tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60303687231511424042024-03-12T17:25:48.356-07:00The Snark AscendingDon't make me come over there.Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.comBlogger207125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-5413082280700256382016-07-29T07:42:00.001-07:002016-07-29T07:42:12.294-07:00South by Southwest<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Recently, I
spent a week in San Diego with my father. The flight to San Diego from New York
is preceded by approximately 70,293 miles of barren desert. It’s a lot like the
Bronx except with fewer discount pharmacies. But fortunately, at the end, you
get San Diego. I’m a big fan of San Diego because it features many things we
Easterners find novel and refreshing, such as (a) people who genuinely seem not
to hate you, (b) the San Diego Zoo, and (c) an anagram generator.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">No, wait.
Actually, that last one was just something I happened to be playing around with
while I was in San Diego. But it was significant nonetheless, not least because
although my own name serves up a fairly dreary set of letters, I learned I can
rearrange my father’s name to spell “Eyebrow Condom Elk.” This was an important
moment for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Now back to
the zoo, a wonderful place boasting the following features:</span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">History</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">Conservation</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">Giraffes
who occasionally drink each other’s bodily fluids as they emerge,
water-fountain style, causing large groups of gawkers, mostly men, to go “EWWWWWWWWW!”
and “HA HA HA!” but mostly “EWWWWWWWWW!”</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">One sobering
element of the zoo is you see many endangered species, such as those who get
hunted for bushmeat. Fortunately, one of the zoo’s goals is to breed and
repopulate these species. I hope they succeed, since personally, I feel this
world could do with more orangutans and less, say, loud humans who make loud
sudden noises around zoo animals on purpose. (I don’t know if the bushmeat
industry is listening, but if so, take note.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">While we’re
on the subject, here are some other<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">IDEAS FOR POPULATION CONTROL (OF HUMANS)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">1. Get employed at zoo.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">2.<span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">Establish walk-in cheetah exhibit.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">3. <span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">When certain patrons prove unfit to be
around animals, direct them politely to said exhibit. Sweeten the pot by
explaining this is something other people are not getting.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Meanwhile the
zoo is celebrating its one-hundredth anniversary, which is very impressive and
all, but if they intend to stick it out another hundred years, they’re going to
have to “up their game.” That’s why I’ve composed the following helpful<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">LIST OF CREATURES <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">THAT SHOULD BE ADDED TO THE ZOO<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]-->NEW YORK PIGEONS. These pigeons would
be considered quite exotic by Californians and other foreigners. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Distinguishing traits:</b> Their accents, their
complaints about the MTA and their insistence on folding pizza.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]-->CHICKEN-FRIED GREATER TOUCAN. This
species has perilously low numbers, on account of I just made it up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]-->FRIENDLY PARAMECIA. Just go with me on
this one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]-->DALE & EARL, C.P.A’s. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Distinguishing traits:</b> Zits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]-->GAY DOGS. I once encountered a pair of
these at Riverside Park, which I will not elaborate on except to say they
performed acts on each other that I thought were reserved for behind closed
doggie doors. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Distinguishing traits: </b>The
way their lips curl at your new haircut.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">By far the most
unsettling animals currently in residence are the semi-dead bugs. There is a
whole bucket of them, and they live (approximately speaking) in an aviary at
the zoo, where they get eaten by rare birds. The bug motto is, “If you’re going
to get eaten by a bird, get eaten by a rare one.” Now when I say “semi-dead,”
what I mean is that some of the bugs in the bucket are already dead, whereas
others can be seen crawling weakly over the corpses of their friends,
presumably checking them for signs of life (“Ed? …Ed? ED!!!!”). It’s great
entertainment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Meanwhile a
bird, his species being a bunch of lousy bastards who don’t care about bug
friendships, swoops down and devour both Ed and his friend in one gulp. “Yes,”
thinks the bird, “these are two of the finer mealy worms I have experienced, as
mealy worms go.” Birds’ lives are boring. Fortunately, they’re so pathetic that
they don’t even know it. They have no expectations in life whatsoever, as
evidenced by the following conversation I transcribed from the aviary:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">BIRD 1: </b>What are you gonna do today?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">BIRD 2: </b>Eh, fly around and molt. How ‘bout
you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">BIRD 1:</b> Hey, what a coincidence! I’m gonna
fly around and molt too!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">BIRD 2:</b> Hey, COOL!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">They high-five.</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A momentary beat.)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">BIRD 1:</b> So what are you gonna do today?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Also one of
the rarer birds pooped on my father. He took it rather in stride. “I feel it is
a nice thing,” were his exact words, “to be hit with rare bird poop.” This is
bird favoritism at its most blatant, but out of daughterly respect I will gloss
over this. After all, we should not forget that his name can be rearranged to
spell “Eyebrow Condom Elk” – another species that should obviously be added to
the zoo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-58914805302650683162016-07-21T08:43:00.001-07:002016-07-21T11:32:00.191-07:00Snark Serves Jury Duty<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Recently, I was summoned to serve as a proud cog in the
American judicial machine. I had mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I
feared taking time out from my hard-driving professional life of making puppets
talk in silly voices. On the other hand, I was a little intrigued, because I
had wondered since childhood what the jury process might entail. (You might infer
from this that I was a disturbed child. But that would be reductive. In fact, I
was disturbed <i>and</i> weird.)</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To wit: when I was eleven, with a penchant for writing stories
that contained not one shred of actual sense, I wrote a story called “Ted
Serves Jury Duty.” I do not know why. But I do know that I asked my mother where they
put the jurors, and she must have said “in a box,” because I went on to describe
the judicial process as follows:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">"Jury Duty," said Tim,
"Is where you sit in a cardboard box with a bunch of dolts who do not know
anything about law and you watch a judge bang a hammer on a table and say
things you do not understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There will
be someone in handcuffs there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The judge
will ask this person questions...and then ask you if you agree...and if you do
not agree you will be handcuffed too."<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">"Cool," said Ted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"So, what do I do to get out of
it?"<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Disappointingly, it turns out this is not 100%
accurate. For one thing, there is no cardboard box. Instead, there is the Bronx
Superior Courthouse, kept at a brisk 852 degrees below zero for your comfort
and cryogenic preservation. And though the people there may know nothing
about law, they are far from dolts. One fellow juror observed that she’d rather
go to jail. “It’s probably warmer there,” was her logic. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s probably warmer in hell, too, or so you’d think. But in
fact I was half-convinced we were already there, and I can tell you why in one
word: coffee. Indeed, one vitally important issue with jury duty that I must
raise – and as a proud cog, I take this VERY seriously – is the coffee.
Courthouse coffee is not coffee. It is vile swamp scum of death. Maybe no one
ever actually died from drinking it, but I assure you they wish they had. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All of this got me thinking, in my resourceful way, of other
ways to be let off the hook. One approach would be simply to plead your
stupidity: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
LAWYER: Ms. McEldowney, you – <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ME: Can I bang your gavel?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
LAWYER: I’m not the j—<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ME: PLEEEEEEEEEEEASSSSSSEEEEE<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But this lacks nuance, and besides, I had time on my hands
in the cryogenic chamber. It was the perfect time to compose this<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
LIST OF THINGS TO SAY
TO THE LAWYERS TO GET OUT OF JURY DUTY<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">“Okay, if you don’t mind that I have a squid
disorder. On the half-hour I spurt ink. Like clockwork.”</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">“Just so you know, my religion mandates the
death penalty for anyone found guilty of writing musical theatre. AT MINIMUM.”</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">“Bear in mind I’m prone to explosive diarrhea
when you least expect it.”</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">“I really really really really
reeeeeeeeeeallyyyyy wanna serve jury duty please please please please
pleeeeeeeeeeeease OHHH WHY WON’T YOU LET ME.”</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">“I’m sorry; I’ve decided to sentence you to
death.” </span><i style="text-indent: -0.25in;">(Beat.)</i><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> “This hurts me more
than it hurts you.”</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">“Okay, but I won’t be able to restrain myself
from passionately fondling everyone else in the room.” </span><i style="text-indent: -0.25in;">(NOTE: This might actually get you selected.)</i></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">“I recuse myself from jury duty on account of I’m
ovulating.” </span><i style="text-indent: -0.25in;">(Long beat.)</i><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> “Pterodactyl
eggs.” </span><i style="text-indent: -0.25in;">(Burst forth demonic-looking
puppets, apparently from groin, and make everybody scream.)</i></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Meanwhile they kept calling names, but
never mine. I was left to make my own fun. On which note, here are just
a few of the exciting things you can do to pass time at the Bronx Superior Courthouse:</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Wander back and forth 9,649 times</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Visit restrooms featuring the most violently
flushing toilets known to man</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Watch instructional video featuring stirring
patriotic music, really bad acting, and the statement – actually delivered by
the narrator with a straight face – that you will want to go home and tell your
friends all about it.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Wander back and forth 8,372 more
times</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Attempt to remember all names of trains on </span><i style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Thomas the Tank Engine</i></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Write snotty blog post about how boring it is
not serving while knowing full well other people have it worse than you and are
actually serving</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "symbol"; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Have EXTREMELY BAD COFFEE</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
You may think this story has no point, but I’ll have you
know that finally, at the end of the second day of not serving jury duty, my
name was called. And then… AND THEN… <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, and then I was sent home with a certificate stating I had
served. That was literally it. It was somehow bittersweet because now I would never, ever – despite
my prognostications at age 11 – get to experience the following dramatic court
scene:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">"Manly McTestosterone,” </span></i><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">[said the judge, Bob]<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, “You are being tried for cutting photographs of a woman's breasts out of </i>Playboy<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> magazine and pasting them on your nose so
it looked like some boobs were hanging out your nostrils.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you plead guilty or not guilty?"<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">"Which is cheaper?" replied
Manly.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Bob's face flamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Both of them will cost you a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you plead..."<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Manly interrupted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Um...not guilty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn't do it, OK? Now will you let me
go?"<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">"And now," said Bob, "a
question for the jurors!" </span></i><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">[He
addressed the question to Ted.]<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> "Is
Mr. McTestosterone telling the truth?"<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">"Ask him," said Ted.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">"Are you telling the truth?"
asked Bob.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">"Yes," said Manly.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">"Okay, then, case
dismissed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You may go."<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I missed out on this. Instead, my own story has a more
humdrum ending, wherein I returned to my cherished daily routine of (a)
avoiding writing and (b) getting bitten by a criminally insane cat. But the judicial
experience has stayed with me. So, you ask, would I recommend jury duty? The
answer is sure, for a lark. Why not? Assuming that the lark can stand the
temperature. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I would NOT recommend the coffee. No courthouse offering
up that substance has any business calling itself “superior."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
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Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-31021214621343213452016-07-16T11:14:00.003-07:002016-07-16T11:28:12.944-07:00Low Adulthood Tolerance<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I have this thing about
alcohol. Basically, my body can’t accept it. If I drink too much, defined as
“any amount,” I get a migraine. The result of this is a comically
low tolerance. I can get drunk merely by walking <i>past</i> a bar.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That’s why I felt
pretty foolish the other day, going to a massive liquor store. I didn’t do this
on my own, you understand. I went with a friend who is a “mixologist,” which
for you laypeople is defined as “a person who practices mixology.”</span><span style="font-family: "courier new";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">My goal, as an
alcohol-illiterate woman-child, was basically not to come off as
an arrested weenie-head. I didn't want to remark on how orangey an orange liqueur was, or
whatever. (Answer: pretty orangey, and I know because the very first thing I
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Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I maintained a
distance from all other humans present, who trotted around the store making remarks like “This one is grotty, but with undertones of
nepotism.” I was out of my depth. The universe (having nothing better to do)
was clearly telling me to go home and play with My Little Ponies.</span><span style="font-family: "courier new";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new";"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But I don’t
have these at home (rather, they are in my parents’ basement). So instead I walked the store and
thought. I was thinking about all the “adult” things we should be versed in by
our late twenties, yet aren’t. To clarify, I should explain that by “we” I mean “I.” Here is a list of adult tasks with which I
have, shall we say, differences:</span><span style="font-family: "courier new";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Hammering a Nail Into a Wall. </span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I am a thoroughgoing wimp when it comes to this. This is because hammering a nail into a wall (a) makes noise, (b) damages the
wall, and (c) worst of all, you run the very real risk of hanging up a picture.
Fortunately, I have found a tried-and-true technique to help. It consists of
asking my roommate to hammer in the nail for me. If you are similarly
afflicted I urge you to do the same. She is available for a fee.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><b style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Issues
With My Apartment. </b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-size: small;">This one
also involves my roommate. Every so often my chest fills with dread when she
informs me something is wrong with the apartment. This is </span>because<span style="font-size: small;"> I have a
condition called Apartment-Problem Deafness, which means that every problem
with the apartment sounds like this: </span></span></span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b><br />
</b>“The sloon is fnurking again,” she’ll say.<br />
<br />
And I’ll say, “What?”<br />
<br />
“I said the sloon is fnurking again,” she’ll repeat. “Do you think you can talk
to the super?”<br />
<br />
The problem is, she’s not actually saying “sloon” and “fnurking.” She is saying
something perfectly sensible that MY ARRESTED BRAIN, being unable to deal with the situation, REFUSES TO HEAR. <br />
<br />
I try my best to play it cool, though we both know I am bluffing. “Sure, I’ll
talk to the super,” I say, knowing full well all I can say to him is “Super, the
sloon is fnurking again.”<br />
<br />
Fortunately, the silver lining in all this is that the super and I do not speak the
same first language and have trouble understanding each other anyway. So he
does what he would do regardless, which is come over with a big filthy bucket
and whack around randomly at things until the problem, somehow, is solved. So
far our little system has never failed. I consider it a miracle of
life.</span><br />
<b style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></b>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Co</span><b style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">nsumption of Breakfast. </b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">I always wake up ten to thirty minutes after I actually need to. This
means my eternal plan to eat breakfast at home is never realized. Instead I end up grabbing a bagel at the Bunny Deli, where I appear so
often that the entire staff has memorized my order of a bagel with one
scrambled egg and one tomato. In some of them it’s so ingrained that they see
my face and mutter immediately, “Egg tomato.” That’s who I am to them. One
pulpy fruit and one infertile ovum. It’s what I always wanted to be when I grew
up.</span><br />
<b style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></b>
<span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">S</span><b style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">mall
Manual Tasks, Including But Not Limited To The Operation of Coffee Makers and the
Opening of My Door. </b><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">I was
once fired from a job because I did not know how to operate the boss’s coffee
maker. I grew sixteen extra fingers and causing coffee to flood the premises.
This caused her to throw a Mach 5 hissy fit, then dismiss me later that day for
“lack of common sense,” which is code for bad Mr. Coffee skills. The
present-day manifestation of this is that I cannot open my front door. I mean, I can <i>open</i> it, but not on the
first or sometimes fourth try. This is because one lock goes one way and the
other lock goes the other way, and – follow me closely here – <i>neither of them goes the </i>same<i> way</i>. I suspect that during the
day, while I am gone, they switch themselves while giggling evilly. You can
imagine the trial this was when I first moved in. But I’m pleased to report
that today – following a mere three years of hard work and persistence – I am
still not quite sure how to open my door.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">After awhile of
thinking about these things, you start to feel pretty damned incomplete as a
human. At the very least you feel comical and bumbling, like a jack-in-the-box
playing backwards. But then, as you go about the world, a funny thing happens.
You start to observe something: <i>EVERYONE
is a jack-in-the-box playing backwards. </i>Sure, some might
play different tunes, and some might play faster or slower than others.* But not
one, I assure you, is playing “correctly.” In other words, none of this
keeps you from being an adult. Everybody is an adult. Nobody is an adult.</span><span style="font-family: "courier new";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Which is why I say:
give yourself a break. So what if you can’t open doors? So what if you have no
breakfast talent? So WHAT if you can’t operate a coffee maker with which you
don’t have a personal, deep relationship, especially if the owner of said
coffee maker is a raving sphincter-head? The point is, you have value <i>outside</i> of these things. ... Or at least I
assume you do. I don’t know you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Is any of this a
revelation? I feel confident it is not. And frankly, that’s how I prefer
things: I like my insights non-revelatory, my doors needlessly complex, and my
liquor minimal. But when I do imbibe, I prefer something grotty, with
undertones of nepotism.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">* This is profound.</span><span style="font-family: "courier new";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-61043054018467365402016-07-16T07:04:00.002-07:002016-07-16T07:04:40.516-07:00Pirates 'RRRRRRR funny<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-N8SSHKTsa_w/V4o-ekyXL6I/AAAAAAAACWM/Fnz_BE31k4kgSRkPex9E-UqUL5JfoPftgCLcB/s1600/13606529_10157063718425648_5750525196761890981_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-N8SSHKTsa_w/V4o-ekyXL6I/AAAAAAAACWM/Fnz_BE31k4kgSRkPex9E-UqUL5JfoPftgCLcB/s320/13606529_10157063718425648_5750525196761890981_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I used to tell a joke at puppet shows. I told it through a pirate puppet:<br />
<br />
Q. Hey! How does a pirate get around New York City?<br />
(pause for effect)<br />
A. He takes the ARRRRRRRRRRR train!<br />
<br />
No one ever laughed but me. I am my own best audience.Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-20397845707498874562015-08-18T07:44:00.000-07:002015-08-18T17:13:18.406-07:00The Appliance WhispererModern-day technology is a wonderful thing. With the mere click of a button you can order sushi, apply to graduate school, and slut-shame your loved ones. But technology also has a dark side. I learned this, as so many do, the hard way: I became able to communicate with my air conditioner.<br />
<br />
Recently we had new air conditioners installed, which seemed unremarkable enough. Then my roommate sent me an email. It contained an invitation.<br />
<br />
"What's this?" I asked.<br />
<br />
"It's a link to an app called Wink," she said. "It lets you control the AC with your phone. You can communicate with it from a distance."<br />
<br />
There stirred within me a deep, fuddy-duddy, anti-modernist force beyond my years. "What <i>kind</i> of a distance?"<br />
<br />
The more I thought about it, the less comfortable I was with Wink. Don't get me wrong; I am all for communication. But I prefer the traditional kinds, such as violent argument over what episode such-and-such happened in, or the local regional variant of hurling insults at random people on the subway platform.<br />
<br />
But communicating with <i>appliances</i> bothered me. There were several reasons behind this. For one, if I could communicate with the appliances, presumably they could communicate with me:<br />
<br />
AC <i>(via text message</i>): HEY YOU<br />
Me: Me?<br />
AC: YEAH YOU. GET OVER HERE AND TURN ME TO "LO COOL" OR I'LL SCREAM.<br />
Me: Can't. I'm ten miles away.<br />
AC: I'LL SCREAMMM<br />
Me: No! It's 11 p.m. You'll wake up the neighbors.<br />
AC: IM GONNA SCREAM SOOOO LOUDDD<br />
Me: No!! Please!!!<br />
AC: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA<br />
Me: Shut up!! Please!!!! I beg you!!!<br />
AC: HA HA TOO LATE. THE NEIGHBORS ALREADY BEAT DOWN YOUR DOOR AND SMASHED ALL YOUR WORLDLY POSSESSIONS.<br />
<br />
Of course this is not the worst-case scenario, since my worldly possessions consist basically of cat toys and the complete second season of "Night Court." Nonetheless, it is a harrowing future to imagine. Furthermore, since we have more than one AC, who's to say they couldn't communicate <i>with each other</i>, and plot against me? ("OK, BOYS! AS SOON AS SHE'S ASLEEP, WE REVERSE THE FLOW AND <i>SUCK HER FACE OFF</i> HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE.")<br />
<br />
So I have left well enough alone. I remain wary of ever using Wink. I leave this to my roommate, who is more attuned to household matters anyway. It was she who originally noticed that the original ACs had become sub-par, in the sense that they had grown stalactites and stalagmites and a colony of badgers was living inside. Whereas I am the kind of "big-picture thinker" who cannot be bothered to pick up on such minimal details, although to my credit I did occasionally wonder why the badgers were biting me.<br />
<br />
Anyway, regardless of my app-phobia, I'm attempting to "get with the times" and maybe even invent some apps of my own. If I can communicate with my air conditioners, nothing is truly beyond reach. Here are a few of my preliminary ideas for new, revolutionary apps:<br />
<br />
1. THE "PEN GENERATOR" OR "PENERATOR" APP. As has been the case my whole life, whenever I want to write, I can't find a pen. This app would automatically generate pens in my purse, thereby assuring that whenever I had an idea, I would instantly find a pen ... and therefore immediately lose all interest in writing. Advantage: Cuts out all those pesky middle steps between you and lack of inspiration.<br />
<br />
2. THE MERKY APP. I share my home with a deranged gray cat named Mercutio, a cute furry cuddly presence who would really like to bite me to death. I have many times explained to Merky that I will bite him back, but he knows these are idle threats. This app would therefore do my dirty work for me, unleashing bites on Merky from afar whenever he is even <i>thinking</i> of doing something bad, which is always. I would call it the iBite, if I didn't fear litigation.<br />
<br />
3. THE "RESTROOM-SEEKING MISSILE" APP. As you know if you have spent significant time in New York, an estimated 87% of life is spent walking around in search of a public restroom whose mere proximity to your body will not kill you instantly. Enter the "Restroom-Seeking Missile" app, which would detect a useable restroom in your vicinity and alert you. The only downside is that this alert would be triggered approximately never. So maybe a more fruitful way would be to have the app alert you to BAD restrooms, but then the sheer volume of alerts would probably cause your phone to burst into flames.<br />
<br />
Those are my ideas, and despite my stodginess in the face of modern technology, I truly do plan to pursue them into the future, at least until I get bored sometime in the next hour or two. In the meantime, if you'll excuse me, my air conditioner is calling me. Something about wanting a movie night. Thank goodness, because I was beginning to worry it didn't like me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-88993803433022317312015-05-27T13:56:00.003-07:002015-05-27T13:56:58.656-07:00Boating Adventures in Prague The other day, I took my life in my hands and operated a paddle boat.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm being melodramatic, of course. Paddle boats are perfectly safe, as evidenced by the fact that they grant boating privileges to any random dweeb who enters Prague. Still, it's hard not to feel melodramatic, given the stone-faced way the boat guy read me the safety litany. It included items like this:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
- If you go past the buoys, you will die.</div>
<div>
- If other boaters come near you, you will die, and so will they.</div>
<div>
- You can sink in the Moldau, just FYI. And if you do, you will die.</div>
<div>
- One hour from now, you will probably be passing through the digestive tract of a large water rat.</div>
<div>
- If this happens, you may not sue.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Also, he kept calling me "Cap'n," as in, "are you ready, cap'n?," and still with no hint of a smile. How can you feel calm about this when your cap'ning experience is limited to eating Cap'n Crunch?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But I am not one to crumble at such provocations. At heart I am a hardy seafarer, and so I gathered my courage about me and took my vessel to the seas. Let me tell you it is no small thing to set out on the mighty waters with no provisions aside from a sweater, a coat, a purse, all your credit cards and an iPhone. But I settled in soon enough. It turns out paddle boating is quickly seductive. Here is an overview of the thought process you, the cap'n, will be undergoing on the boat:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
1 MIN IN, as the boat guy sets you free: OH DEAR GOD</div>
<div>
3 MIN IN: hey, I can steer! Kind of!</div>
<div>
5 MIN IN: YEAH!!! Let's $%**&in' FLOOR this $*^#$-er *^%$%-er!!!!!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As befits a seasoned salt such as myself, I soon bonded deeply with my vessel. I have dubbed her the S.S. <i>Snark</i>, and though she tops out at the speed of a mallard duck with a nerve disorder, her majesty has never failed to inspire great awe and fear in all who see her, causing some among them to remark: "Huh."<br />
<br />
I do not mind telling you that while piloting the <i>Snark</i>, I executed a great many "bad-ass" boating maneuvers, such as:<br />
<br />
- Not bumping into other, lesser vessels;<br />
- Executing turns so wide that at one point I bumped into Poland;<br />
- Calling to a swan, "HEY YOU! OUTTA MY WAY!"(I regret to report this did no good, but that's probably because he only spoke Czech.)<br />
<br />
Thus maneuvering, I sailed the mighty <i>Snark</i> from one row of yellow buoys set up by the boat company all the way to - get this - the <i>other</i> row of yellow buoys set up by the boat company. This is the kind of fearsome voyage we hardy cap'n types engage in, and I'd like to see <i>you</i> try it. Truly, there is nothing quite like coursing up and down the river, imagining you are going much faster than you really are.<br />
<br />
Along the way I also witnessed many fine examples of nature, including:<br />
<br />
- Fuzzy baby duckies;<br />
- Humans in other boats that were a lot like the S.S. <i>Snark</i>, only less cool and fearsome and awe-inspiring;<br />
- A water rat the size of a Volvo station wagon, who was probably a local elected official;<br />
and last but not least,<br />
- A floating bottle of Fanta, clearly a relic of the geological period known as the Fanta epoch.<br />
<br />
When not manning the mighty <i>Snark</i> for all to see and wonder at vaguely before thinking about other things, I am here to work. I am in a play in the Prague Fringe Festival, in which I operate a large bunraku puppet named Lizette. She requires a great deal of physical skill, but on the other hand, she is excellent company and never dominates the conversation.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, I am delighted to report that I am speaking some Czech over here. Or at any rate, I am speaking <i>some</i> language. I have made a concerted effort to learn basic conversation, but you just never know what will come out of your mouth. For example, this morning it was Bulgarian, which is pretty damned amazing when you consider I've never heard it.<br />
<br />
In sum, I highly recommend, if you come to Prague, that you take your own spin in a paddle boat. It will leave your heart full and your mind empty, provided it wasn't already, and if it was it will still be empty, so no harm there. Two hundred crowns or roughly 6 euros gets you an hour at sea, and it will be worth it. I myself even went a few minutes <i>over</i> the time limit, and the boat guys were very kind: they could have charged me over time, but they elected not to. That is the sort of fear and admiration inspired in all who behold the S.S. <i>Snark.</i><br />
<br /></div>
Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-18127527164967523122015-05-21T13:33:00.003-07:002015-05-21T13:33:43.709-07:00Prague Blog, Day 1: Oslo EditionHere is my first Prague blog, which, as you will no doubt guess, was written in Oslo.<br />
<br />
My final destination is the Prague Fringe Festival, where in a few days I'll be performing in a show. But for now, I sit in the Oslo Gardermoen airport, which contains all the amenities you would expect, namely:<br />
<br />
(a) large quantities of blond European people, and<br />
(b) comically priced sandwiches.<br />
<br />
As an American, I find nothing quite so disconcerting as buying a sandwich and being told it costs "one hundred two." But that is the sort of monkey business that goes down around these parts. Then you leave the restaurant, and the employees share a rollicking good laugh, and you find you have overdrawn your savings account.<br />
<br />
So yes, this place is fun, but soon it will cloy. You see, I'm stuck in here for the next 6 hours, or in blond European time, 789.3 metric hours. In these situations one must make one's own fun, as evidenced by the airport men who ride around on a motorized chair, trailing a train of luggage carts. Oh sure, they <i>look</i> as though they're Hard At Work doing Important Work Things, but in fact, they are just fulfilling their little-boy dreams of riding loud clattery things through a large public place, making loud bodily-esque sound effects and preferably mowing people down on the way.<br />
<br />
But I don't have my own cart-train, so I just bought a sandwich. Naturally it was slathered in mayonnaise, because in Europe no sandwich is deemed fit for consumption until it is caked in enough sauce to baste your average quarterback.<br />
<br />
The other main activity in the Oslo airport, at least so far as I'm personally concerned, is noting cultural differences from the good old U.S. of A. Here are a couple examples:<br />
<br />
(a) this screen, which asks you to rate how smiley or frowny you find the restrooms,<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4l2AUf2QW_g/VV5AU0KrlxI/AAAAAAAABgk/Rjx7PiVP1Po/s1600/IMG_1484.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4l2AUf2QW_g/VV5AU0KrlxI/AAAAAAAABgk/Rjx7PiVP1Po/s320/IMG_1484.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
and<br />
<br />
(b) <i>this</i> screen, stating how long it will be until the restroom's next cleaning.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7tbS-ho6EVg/VV5AbvnvMcI/AAAAAAAABgs/U5MJogOB9XQ/s1600/IMG_1478.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7tbS-ho6EVg/VV5AbvnvMcI/AAAAAAAABgs/U5MJogOB9XQ/s320/IMG_1478.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
That's right. Can you IMAGINE money being spent on this technology in, say, New York City? Well, okay, I guess that's not totally fair. New York <i>might</i> install the liquid readout screen, but only so it could say, "This bathroom will be cleaned in: F**K YOU."<br />
<br />
There is also this:<br />
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<br />
<br />
Yes, you can get Hel pizza here. Satan's favorite. This is what makes Scandinavia great, besides the Moomins. And of course the aforementioned restrooms, which, for the record, I found to be smiley.<br />
<br />
Next I'll blog about the Prague Fringe, which, as I understand it, is located outside of Oslo. Stay tuned.<br />
<br />Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-32892268300475206522014-07-01T18:31:00.002-07:002014-07-01T18:38:06.485-07:00Children's Birthday Parties: The Case AgainstI have lately been present at an increasing number of parties. This has less to do with my social capital than my status as a puppeteer. Ask any puppeteer and you will learn that puppeteers do not often get invited to parties for social reasons. Spend extended time with any puppeteer and you will understand why.<br />
<br />
Nonetheless, in my capacity as entertainer, I am in significant birthday party demand, usually for people having the bad judgment to turn six or younger. Now on the one hand, I am grateful for these gigs, in that they allow me to pursue my cherished goal of earning an income so I can pay 90% of it in estimated taxes, with 9.99882% going to rent and, if I'm lucky, a nubbin left over for a little something to shave my legs.<br />
<br />
Yes, the American Dream is alive and well among us freelancer entertainers, some of whom never have to sell both our retinas. Yet birthday parties for the younger set leave something to be desired, and here is why:<br />
<br />
1. They are for the younger set.<br />
2. The younger the set, the more fluids said set is liable to disperse. This is a true hardship for your weak-stomached birthday party entertainer, such as myself, who cannot deal with anyone dispensing anything beyond a pithy aphorism. However, the younger set never dispenses pithy aphorisms, and if they did, they would likely be crap.<br />
3. No child has ever enjoyed him- or herself at a birthday party. The closest they come is not committing acts of mass carnage. It is a known scientific fact* that 35% of lifelong emotional trauma is caused by childhood birthday parties, with the rest attributable to sleepovers. <br />
4. Increasingly, children are named things like "Brantleigh" and "Kooper." Every time a parent names a child something like "Brantleigh" or "Kooper," the hole intensifies in the ozone layer, which has led to horrific scientific consequences such as global warming, cancer and OKCupid. Therefore all small children should immediately, upon receiving names, be classified as biohazard.<br />
5. But really, it's the parents who should be classified as biohazard.<br />
6. Puppet shows are not a legitimate form of entertainment at a birthday party, because they require sitting quietly, which your average birthday-party-attending child can only do for .0000008 nanoseconds, and if the child is male, cut that figure in half.<br />
7. This problem can be solved with tranquilizer darts, but that really cuts into my profits.<br />
8. Puppet shows also afford the grown-ups in the crowd a chance to sit back and chat.<br />
9. This problem can be solved with the death penalty, but that really cuts into my profits.<br />
10. No one ever pops out of the cake.<br />
<br />
So you - I am talking to <i>you</i> here, Mr. or Ms. Caring Parent - might want to keep these irrefutable facts in mind next time you try to give your child an organized birthday party, particularly one involving theatrical entertainment. A far more viable alternative would be simply to take the kid out in the yard and turn the hose on him; after, let him eat an entire thing of Cool Whip; then put him in front of the Cartoon Network for the rest of the day, retreat to the bedroom, and commence wild carnal activities. See how everybody wins here?<br />
<br />
It's not your fault that you can't think rationally. Your problem is you've been blinded by being a Caring Parent. This state of affairs has addled your formerly respectable mind. It's <i>much </i>easier for me, a callow and inexperienced 26-year-old with no major obligations to anyone, to tell you what to do. So here, for your own edification, is the problem with hiring a birthday entertainer. Imagine you are a 5-year-old,** running around the house like an overcaffeinated fruit fly but with less self-control, gleefully ripping open presents and shrieking and smearing frosting into the sofa and breaking your presents permanently <i>all in less time than it takes us adults to clear our spam folder; </i>in other words you are LIVING THE DREAM; when all of a sudden a big adult claps his hands, seizes your flailing tiny body and announces in smarmy tones that now we're going to see a SUPER-FUN PUPPET SHOW, which, to you, turns out to be nothing more than some <i>other</i> unfortunate adult, this one with toys you can't touch, alternately shushing you and loudly writhing around before you and your friends in a wildly desperate attempt to get you to experience delight. Only you, by this point, are already off in the other end of the house, gleefully pouring fruit punch into Daddy's keyboard.<br />
<br />
You see, parents? This is what you get for trying to force enrichment on your offspring. Your offspring who, I assure you, don't want to be enriched any more than you do. And <i>definitely</i> not at a birthday party, where it cuts into valuable time that could otherwise be spent emotionally destroying other small children. Are you really about to deny your child that joy?<br />
<br />
But if you simply <i>must</i> insist on a "traditional" birthday party, don't let me stop you. I only ask that you stop to think, before you hire Enriching Theatrical Entertainment, how much you would like it if <i>your</i> birthday party was hijacked by interpretive dancers. <br />
<br />
<br />
* SOURCE: <i>Field and Stream.</i> <br />
** Probably named "Brantleigh" or "Kooper."<br />
<br />Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-61424907027436522452014-06-12T07:35:00.001-07:002014-06-12T19:50:18.464-07:00Acting for BeginnersMost actors have a second job. This has been common practice since the days of Shakespeare, when your average actor was so cash-starved, he had to take a backup job as a codpiece. Still, I think we can agree acting is the best job. You get to wear wacky-ass outfits and you never have to do anything hard. For proof, consult the following chart, which does not lie:<br />
<br />
Other Professions Acting<br />
GET TO WEAR<br />
WACKY-ASS OUTFITS? No Yes<br />
<br />
EVER HAVE TO DO Yes No<br />
ANYTHING HARD?<br />
<br />
(Source: <i>Scientific American</i>)<br />
<br />
If you don't believe me, you might do worse than consider my in-depth analysis of Other Professions vs. Acting, as follows:<br />
<br />
<i>A complete list of the things people in other professions have to worry about</i>: Advancing science, administering justice, furthering education, eradicating disease, whether a patient will die, whether a circuit is properly wired, whether a generator will power a neighborhood, whether a little boy named Timmy will get out of a well, the plight of the persecuted, ice dancing<br />
<br />
<i>A complete list of the things actors have to worry about:</i> False eyelashes; thighs.<br />
<br />
I am of course being reductive here. Some actors - these are the really intellectual ones - also worry about whether or not they were "on" last night. I recently heard the following conversation between two actors, which I repeat unretouched:<br />
<br />
ACTOR 1: Last night, I felt like I was "on."<br />
ACTOR 2: Awesome.<br />
ACTOR 1: But I'm not sure I was "on."<br />
ACTOR 2: Yeah?<br />
ACTOR 1: Yeah. It's like, was I "on?" Or was I, like, not "on"? And like... I don't think I was, like, "on." You know?<br />
ACTOR 2: Yeah.<br />
ACTOR 1: It's like... I coulda been "on," though.<br />
ACTOR 2: Right.<br />
ACTOR 1: I mean, I felt like I was "on." <br />
<i>(Loop conversation 4,569 times</i>.)<br />
<br />
Granted, this sort of thing is not an issue for most performers, who are "on" at all times including in deep sleep, during which they can and will break into a rousing round of "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" if asked. I should note here that I'm referring to your up-and-coming actor, rather than your established one. The up-and-comer can never afford to be "off," lest a casting director come within range, which will be clear by scent. This is why most actors in the early stages of their careers never even go to the bathroom. Their bladders look like advanced-stage Marlon Brando.<br />
<br />
Yes, our lives are not without hardship; to wit, we occasionally must also update our resumes. This is a harrowing task, especially if you haven't had work in awhile. Just think how much easier this would be if you were the employee of a regular corporation:<br />
<br />
STERLING B. STERNUM<br />
Employee of Regular Corporation<br />
Position: Associate Codpiece<br />
<br />
ACHIEVEMENTS:<br />
- Stapling (in many dialects)<br />
- Once thought saw narwhal off port bow of conference table; turned out to be chair<br />
<br />
Whereas we actors without work must instead bloat our "special skills" list:<br />
<br />
STERLING B. STERNUM<br />
Actor <br />
Represented by Codpiece Mgmt., Inc.<br />
<br />
SPECIAL SKILLS:<br />
- Organ donor<br />
- Can pick things up with toes<br />
<br />
Eagle-eyed readers will notice the weasel wording. The actor in question doesn't say he can pick things up with his <i>own</i> toes. It could be <i>anybody's</i> toes. I told you we never do anything hard.<br />
<br />
Listing one's special skills can induce great cosmic ass-pain in a certain subset of actors such as myself who do not even have any <i>regular</i> skills, let alone special ones. The older I get, the greater my discomfort over having no actual
skills. This is a very precarious state of affairs indeed. Oh, sure,
things are fine right <i>now</i>. But I'm concerned for the days ahead, when I start to look less like Amélie Poulain and more like Grampa Simpson. What then?<br />
<br />
Some
of you will think I'm exaggerating about my total lack of skills.
Others among you - those who have seen me attempt to open a door
unfamiliar to me - will know better. So that you grasp the severity of
my situation, here are some other examples of skill deficiency I live
with on a daily basis:<br />
<br />
- I can't properly spread peanut butter on bread. <i>I don't know why this is.</i> Other people get a nice even coating of spread across the slice, and I'm not sure they're even <i>trying</i>. Whereas I can only manage a sad and unmalleable blob in the middle. This one <i>really</i>
makes me worry about the future, because you know how they say choosy
moms choose Jif? Well, clearly I will never be a mom of any kind,
because even if I had the intuition to choose Jif (which I don't,
because the Target brand is cheaper and "Skippy" is funnier), I wouldn't
know how to apply it to bread, and my children would grow up
emotionally disturbed, eating sad sandwiches, and eventually become drug
dealers.<br />
<br />
- Nothing in my house is homey. Sure, everything in my house is <i>nice</i>, but that's different. That's because I have a knack for <i>buying </i>things.
What I don't know how to do is arrange them tastefully. Any semblance
of taste in my apartment is the influence of my landlady, who left
pleasing objects to give me the illusion of having aesthetic judgment.
Whereas left to my own devices I would not know how to position a salt
shaker.*<br />
<br />
- Nor does anything in my house smell good. I
mean, it doesn't smell BAD, either. But it also doesn't have
that nice smell I associate with the homes of fully operational humans.
I'll spend the night at a friend's, take a sniff of the comforter and
marvel, "Ooo! Fluffy comforter smells like flowers!" Whereas I'll sniff
my own comforter and marvel, "Ooo! Fluffy comforter just smells like comforter."<br />
<br />
-
I cannot operate an unfamiliar coffee maker. This point was driven home
to me long ago at a dull temp job I took while at college. The boss gave me very specific instructions on how
to use the coffee maker, but predictably I failed, and the coffee maker
spewed forth coffee onto all nearby surfaces, with expensive ones
getting priority. I'm not sure whether this was true incompetence on my
part or just the fact that I can't keep my mind on things.<br />
<br />
- I can't keep my mind on things. In fact, I<br />
<br />
So,
to what fatal flaw in my being can all these shortcomings be due? Well, I can't answer that, but I strongly suspect an adrenal
deficiency, just because it is the first thing I thought of, offhand. I
should look into that further, but frankly, I can't keep my mind on it. <br />
<br />
Meanwhile,
if you have any skills I can borrow, feel free to drop them by my house
at your earliest convenience. I'll give you a coffee for your trouble,
but you'll have to operate the maker yourself.<br />
<br />
And in a pinch, if called upon, I <i>can</i> do a mean rendition of "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" in my sleep.<br />
<br />
<br />
* Martha Stewart advises that the correct position is upright.**<br />
** I'm not sure if she was talking about salt shakers or what, though. Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-76886624086843273912014-05-15T04:49:00.002-07:002014-05-15T04:52:04.216-07:00Insight SchminsightThose eagle-eyed readers among you will notice I haven't blogged for awhile. I got bogged down in the notion that I had to have something to <i>say</i>. This turns out to be false. You can write tons and tons of words without ever having <i>anything</i> to say; otherwise the entire <i>Sweet Valley High</i> book series would not exist. I had those books as a kid. They concerned a suburban California town so deranged that the high school held a prom once per book. Also the townspeople were so fatuous and superficial they didn't even realize they were fictional characters.<br />
<br />
(Don't you think you'd notice if you were a fictional character?* I know <i>I</i> would. The first thing I'd do is rob a deli, since the fictitious among us can't get arrested. Just speaking hypothetically here.)<br />
<br />
Now it's all coming back to me. I think it went something like this: the heroines of the books were the blonde and beautiful Wakefield twins, who went around saving Sweet Valley from anyone who had the bad judgment to be poor or sexual or black or otherwise not the blonde and beautiful Wakefield twins. Then at the end they would have a prom. <br />
<br />
Of course, as a kid I didn't notice much except the prom scenes, and the fact that everyone in Sweet Valley was extremely attractive. I now realize this was due to an efficient municipal culling policy whereby all ugly people were bludgeoned. But when you're little you don't read between the lines. I mostly read the books as light entertainment during meals. The books lived out in crumbling cardboard boxes in our garage in Florida, where, remarkably, giant roaches never ate them. I now realize this was because they had standards.<br />
<br />
But back to me, even though I'm not a Wakefield twin. I've put up a brick wall against blogging for awhile, partly because I've been busy, but also because I thought I had to have <i>insight</i>. This is that peculiar power of observation that allows you to comment on things in a manner so profound that people make vague appreciative noises while thinking about other things. Observe the difference between an insightful person and a normal unobservant plebe:<br />
<br />
STIMULUS: A glass of wine.<br />
INSIGHTFUL PERSON RESPONSE: "The full-bodied overtones, sepulchral with a hint of nepotism, bring to mind the pituitary secretions of the Andorran jackal, but without the panache."**<br />
NORMAL PERSON RESPONSE: "Gimme more wine."<br />
<br />
STIMULUS: A figure skater.<br />
INSIGHTFUL PERSON RESPONSE: "His jumps are reminiscent of the legendary Ulrich Salchow, although they lack the fluidity of the late, great Hans Triple Flip."<br />
NORMAL PERSON RESPONSE: "Gimme more wine."<br />
<br />
STIMULUS: An express train decides to go local as you're rushing to work.<br />
INSIGHTFUL PERSON RESPONSE: "Hey, don't stress! It's not about getting there fast, it's about reveling in the journey along the way."<br />
NORMAL PERSON RESPONSE: <i>(Takes out machete, heads toward insightful person first)</i><br />
<br />
Of course, let me be clear: I'm NOT saying you should go out and buy a machete. They're expensive; try and borrow one first.<br />
<i> </i><br />
Now that I realize I'm more the normal type than the insightful type, life is <i>so</i> much easier. I can write about whatever I want without it having to have any point. Takes the pressure off!<br />
<br />
With that in mind, I've taken it upon myself to prepare the following list of pointless topics about which I have many things to say:<br />
<br />
1. Cab drivers who refuse to drive to my house, predicated on the argument, patiently and painstakingly explained to me, that my house does not exist<br />
2. Bubble tea<br />
3. Small children: The case against<br />
4. Bubble tea <br />
5. The speed at which my floor spontaneously generates filth despite the fact that I have just vacuumed or <i>am actually vacuuming at that moment</i><br />
6. Musical theatre: harmless pastime or leading threat to global health?<br />
<i> </i><br />
I'll let you decide that last one based on the following photo, taken at my neighborhood thrift store. These books were placed right next to each other. One is clearly the question, the other the answer:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-t1Y7xpoZTDg/U3SpcZZe0mI/AAAAAAAABFU/Hfb3Soz70yQ/s1600/10259895_10203752371513631_6328809025036684432_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-t1Y7xpoZTDg/U3SpcZZe0mI/AAAAAAAABFU/Hfb3Soz70yQ/s1600/10259895_10203752371513631_6328809025036684432_n.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Coincidence? I THINK NOT. Especially because I was the one who placed them there.<br />
<br />
Anyway, you can expect to hear more about these topics, and many others, at the new 'n' improved Snark. And if you're thinking that now all my entries will have no point, well, that is exactly the point. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
* MAYBE YOU ARE.<br />
** Source: Your senior thesis.Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-58147579594081410392014-01-18T08:06:00.000-08:002014-01-18T08:06:06.071-08:00Crying FoulLately I've been thinking about bad words. Like unwanted family members, they've become so much a part of the landscape that no one notices them anymore. For instance, I bet you didn't notice that even the friendly pre-recorded male voice on the New York City subway uses foul language ("Stand clear of the *@#!@-ing closing doors, please"; "This is 176th @!!&%-ing Street"). The barista at Starbucks says, "Would you like your #$%^-ing receipt?" and you say, "Yes, **&$# you."<br />
<br />
Obviously this signals the degradation of our society, which clearly was not degraded enough to begin with, even when we started wearing thongs. (Think about it: as a society, we did this <i>voluntarily</i>. Of course there are honorable exceptions, such as the Pope.) (I am assuming here.)<br />
<br />
My point, as you have no doubt guessed, is this: we need to return to the refined language of a bygone era. I realize most of us are ill-equipped to remember a cultural zeitgeist any longer ago than <i>Full House</i>, but I assure you we had even older eras. Think back to elementary school, when you learned about Abraham Lincoln. Can you imagine how the Gettysburg Address would read if written today?<br />
<br />
<i>Four score and seven #$%^^& years ago</i><br />
<i>Our fathers, those sons of @#$%!-es, brought forth...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
But you know what's <i>really</i> weird, when you think about it, is that most people nowadays use bad words without even being angry. This is really jarring to me. I grew up in a house where no one used foul verbiage except in the case of a seriously rage-inducing event, such as a severely backed-up toilet. But now I hear people use these words in completely temperate situations, situations where no plunger is even thought of. ("Ya goin' to the &#$%-ing store?" "Yeh, I'll pick you up some @($%^-ing Rolaids." "Thanks, @#$%-er %(#%-er.")<br />
<br />
This bothers delicate lilies such as myself. I was raised to believe you never use these words without just provocation, such as you are being garroted or have just been presented with tickets to <i>Wicked.</i> That's why our language needs to change. Only when we "up our game" verbally can we pull ourselves out of the current linguistic dark age. One good option would be to hearken back to the verbal modes of Shakespeare. Consider the following exchange, <i>before</i> enhancement:<br />
<br />
PERSON A: I think Football Team X is a %^$*#-load better than that pile of %($^ Football Team Y.<br />
PERSON B: Oh YEAH??? C'mere, you @$*%#&!<br />
<i>(They pull each other's ears off)</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Whereas with a few Shakespearean tweaks, voilà! Iambic pentameter:<br />
<br />
PERSON A: My lord, my liege, in sooth I do aver<br />
That worthiest of entities, Team X<br />
Doth kick real good the nutties of Team Y.<br />
Dost thou agree?<br />
PERSON B: Thou prick, c'mere, let's fight.<br />
<i>(They pull each other's ears off)</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
No, wait, that's no better. Plus, this option requires training, so that you'll be able to pull out those Shakespearean flourishes at a moment's notice, and who among us has that kind of time? This is why machetes are useful, in a pinch, but that is not my point.<br />
<br />
Another, potentially less time-consuming alternative would be simply to give well-considered, articulate voice to your every waking thought. I will use the example of a person I know whom we will call Mrs. R.,* who was once bitten on her finger by her dog while feeding it (the dog) (not the finger) bits of meat. Whereupon Mrs. R. unleashed the following stream of bad words:<br />
<br />
MRS. R.: <i>(Feeding the dog)</i><br />
DOG: Omnomnomnomnom (BITE)<br />
MRS. R.: (BAD WORDS)<br />
<br />
Pretty unimaginative, am I right, folks? Now think how much more articulate of a contribution Mrs. R. could have made to human discourse if she had verbalized her emotions as follows:<br />
<br />
MRS. R.: <i>(Feeding the dog)</i><br />
DOG: Omnomnomnomnom (BITE)<br />
MRS. R.: I feel great rage at this moment, as manifested both literally and in a sense symbolically, by the seeping wound upon my finger. A curse upon you and all your hairy little ancestors.<br />
DOG: Boy, are <i>you</i> ever an ***hole.<br />
<br />
Yes, verbal communication is extremely important. You see how they hashed that out? Just think of the pent-up feelings that might otherwise never have been communicated. Can you imagine, for example, the pain and suffering that might come of never cursing your dog's ancestors, let alone never knowing that you're an asshole?<br />
<br />
This is why my dream stands strong of one day living in a world devoid of emptily used dirty words. Yes, granted, they are an instant and handy thoroughfare to emphatic self-expression. But I urge you to take a brave first step by using them at least <i>sparingly. </i>When, you ask? To make it simple, let's limit your bad-word use strictly to the following extreme situations: (a) when evil ninjas attack your house; (b) when you burst into flames, and of course (c) those <i>Wicked</i> tickets.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
* This is so you will not uncover her true identity as Mrs. D.<br />
<br />Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-46097683492991054192014-01-02T07:14:00.004-08:002014-01-02T07:14:57.508-08:00Another Year, Another Set of Extremely Moderate GoalsNow that 2013 has passed, it's time to reflect at length and smugly on your proudest accomplishments of the year. Because however inconsequential they may be to the rest of the world, you know -- deep in your heart -- that they surpassed the accomplishments of people more pathetic than you. At least, probably. On which note, here are mine:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>I achieved a 94% success rate in leaving one or both appliance chargers at home en route to far-flung lands, and</li>
<li>I spent an estimated 10,391 hours on the phone with the state health insurance hotline, which is pretty impressive when you note there are only 8,760 hours in a year.</li>
</ol>
<div>
Call me a braggart if you will, but I believe these accomplishments are pretty darned admirable, especially when you consider I <i>wasn't even working with a life coach</i>. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Let's take a closer look at #2 in particular. I'm going to go ahead and call this my most heroic feat of all time, given I spent all but 20 minutes of it connected to the Helpful Lady-Bot. The Helpful Lady-Bot is a merciless android monster with a warm, cheery voice who taunts you periodically. Her function is to interrupti the Herb Alpert waiting music with cheerful sadist comments like, "Did you know your question may be answered on our website? Go to www.hahahadiepunkthismeansyou dot com and click on..." And so on. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But here is the problem. And allow me to put this in bold and capital letters for emphasis:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>--> NO ONE HAS EVER CALLED UP WITH A</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b> QUESTION THAT CAN BE ANSWERED ON</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>THE WEBSITE. NO ONE. EVER. EVER. <-- b=""></--></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Of course the Helpful Lady-Bot <i>knows</i> this; she just likes to toy with you. In Bot school she was the bully who took all the other androids' lunch money, then waved it over their heads trying to get them to grab it before yanking it away. (Talk about accomplishments: this she managed <i>despite not existing.</i>)</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
However, I emerged triumphant. On December 22, I succeeded - in a Christmas miracle the likes of which George Cukor would have <i>killed</i> to enshrine for posterity - in enrolling for health insurance. I reached an exceedingly competent and kind professional named Tanisha, who swiftly enrolled me in a plan despite the fact that her predecessors, on the odd occasion I had reached one, had failed to determine that I exist.* Of course I suspect these folks also regularly failed to chew and swallow correctly, but this is all water under the bridge now that I am (presumably) enrolled.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Obviously the moral of this story is don't give up on your dreams, or something like that.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Now clearly the foregoing has been addressed to those in pursuit of a goal. A goal might be anything: it could be enrolling for health insurance, but it could also be winning the World Cup, or winning the World Cup if you ever get off the phone with health insurance. Whereas this next part I would like to address to the goal-seeker's loved ones. Remember that your support is of the utmost importance to this person. That's why you should holler encouragement really, really loudly in their ears:</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
HELPFUL LADY-BOT: Did you know your question can also be answered on our website? Go to www. ...</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
YOUR LOVED ONES <i>(in your ear)</i>: YOU CAN DO IT, BOB!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!</div>
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YOU: Can you pipe down, please? I can't hear.</div>
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YOUR LOVED ONES <i>(louder, because you need more encouragement)</i>: GO, BOB!!!!!! YOU GOT THIS, BUDDY!!!!!! YOU GOT THIS!!!!! GO GO GO GO GO!!!!!!!</div>
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YOU: Look, I'm really touched, but could you...</div>
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INSURANCE REPRESENTATIVE <i>(picking up after 3,706 hours)</i>: Good afternoon, New York State of Health. How can I assist you?</div>
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YOUR LOVED ONES: YEAH!!!!!! BOB!!!!!! MY MAN BOB!!!!!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!! ROCK IT, BOB!!!!!!! WORK IT, BABY!!!!!!!!! </div>
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INSURANCE REPRESENTATIVE: Hello?</div>
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YOU: <i>Shut up! Someone might answer! I need to hear!</i></div>
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YOUR LOVED ONES: BOB!!!!!!! BOB!!!!!! BOB!!!!!! YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!</div>
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YOU: <i>For the love of God, shut...</i></div>
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INSURANCE REPRESENTATIVE: Hello?</div>
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YOUR LOVED ONES: GIMME A "B"! GIMME AN "O"! GIMME A...</div>
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YOU <i>(in tears)</i>: <i>PLEASE!!</i></div>
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INSURANCE REPRESENTATIVE: *click*</div>
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But encouragement can also be a negative thing. I base this statement on a lethal encouragement incident I once saw with my own eyes.** I was at a figure skating competition, where a teenage figure skater named Charles was performing before a crowd of a few hundred spectators including, unfortunately, his own parents. Regrettably, the family had positioned themselves close to the boards, so that Charles, who would probably have preferred death by maggot, instead got the full onslaught of their affectionate encouragement. It was a sequence of events that went like clockwork: the family would send out an encouragement-beam, and instantly, Charles would fall. It went like this:</div>
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<i>(Charles is skating; sets up for a jump)</i></div>
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FAMILY: Oh! OH! Here he goes! Here he... GOOOO CHARLES!</div>
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CHARLES: <i>(WHUMP)</i></div>
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FAMILY: Ohhhhh! Go, Charles! It's OK! You can do it, buddy! You can do it! <i>(Charles sets up for a jump.)</i> You can-- whoaaa! Here he goes! Here he goes again! GOOOOO CHARLES!</div>
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CHARLES: <i>(WHUMP)</i></div>
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FAMILY: Ohhhhh! Don't worry, Charles! Just a fluke! Ellie! Ellie, cheer for your brother!</div>
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LITTLE SISTER: GOOOOOO CHARLES!</div>
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<i>(Charles falls while not even jumping)</i></div>
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Of course, knowing what young sibling relations are like, it is entirely possible his little sister had put a curse on him. But one way or another, my point is that encouragement can be a force for evil. By the end of the program Charles had fallen about 75 times and ended up placing 335th in the competition despite the fact that there were only 12 competitors. He was even beaten by the Zamboni driver and the head of the local skating association, who had spent the competition sitting in the bleachers scratching his personal region.*** So, as loved ones, you must use your own best judgment as to when to cheer and when to stop, unless of course you are a dum-dum, in which case there is very little I can do to help you, aside from suggesting a career OUTSIDE of the insurance hotline industry. Did you hear me? I said OUTSIDE. Here, lean your ear closer if you like. </div>
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And to those who continue tirelessly chipping away at a long-held goal in 2014, I can only urge you to keep plugging. Keep your head up high and never give up. Unless, of course, you're trying to break into the New York theatre world, in which case I can only say to you, in all sincerity and from the deepest depths of my heart: get outta my way. </div>
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* I admit I have my doubts.<br />
** As opposed to with somebody else's eyes, which could potentially get you into trouble.<br />
*** But then, his technique <i>was</i> flawless.Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-32380194191688870302013-12-12T13:16:00.000-08:002013-12-12T13:33:26.890-08:00The Joy of TechChalk it up to a talent for consistency if you like, but I've always been young. I'm going on a 26-year streak now so I predict the trend will go on indefinitely. But such perpetual youth is not free of pain and hardship. I speak - as you have no doubt guessed - of the lack of a decent smartphone.<br />
<br />
Notice I say "decent smartphone," not "smartphone." This is because up till last month, I stood enmired in a 1 1/2-year codependent relationship with a smartphone that had clearly, in its youth, been emotionally wounded by a sadistic mother.* The result was an amalgam of Tourette's, dementia, low battery, schizophrenia, night terrors and chronic dropped calls. I also eventually realized my phone was refusing to receive text messages people were sending me, and as we well know from helpful posters in bus stations, when your significant other won't let you talk to your friends, that's a sign of an unhealthy relationship. But I was in too deep to realize. (Remember I mentioned I am pretty young.)<br />
<br />
This was all part of an inexorable cycle. First, I would threaten to replace my phone and/or flush it.** Then the phone would wail and whine at me to take it back, because THIS time would be DIFFERENT. Accusations flew back and forth; tears flowed; passionate embraces were exchanged, and finally we would have a long, gratifying round of make-up texting. Then everything would be okay for any a week.<br />
<br />
Long story short, I finally saw the light and acquired a new phone, and I have never been happier. Gone are the bad old days of no connection and under-productivity; the new phone has ushered in a bold new era of constant connection and under-productivity <i>at a much faster rate</i>. Now I can verify, on the way to the subway, what celebrities are dead. I can avoid answering my email <i>en route to my very own bathroom</i> -- or someone else's bathroom, for that matter (although they often wonder who I am, and what I am doing in there).<br />
<br />
And let's not forget to talk about Swype. This is a delightful program performs the vital dual functions of allowing you to type misspelled words while getting smeary finger stains all over your screen. Why misspelled? Well, the smartphone is only so smart, which means much of the time your messages are somewhat compromised. For example, say you're trying to write the following:<br />
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Dear Stan,<br />
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I will be running a bit late. I look forward to seeing you shortly.<br />
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Sincerely,<br />
Nicola McEldowney<br />
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Before Swype, you would have had to type those words letter by letter, and you would have run the very real risk of spelling most of them correctly. But thanks to the efficiency of Swype, your message will look something like this:<br />
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Dear Arab,<br />
<br />
I will be rubbing a nub large. I look forward to seeing you shirtless.<br />
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Sincerely,<br />
Bucks Microfiber*** <br />
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See how handy it is? As a smug and entitled upper-middle-class white person, I heartily go on the record as saying everyone should have one. And I think it is fair to say that, if you <i>don't</i> get one, you're not a real person.<br />
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In any case, I love my new smartphone. I've had it for over a week now and our relationship has yet to turn to pure unalloyed crap, which is more than I can say for its predecessor, as well as a few other individuals. As a matter of fact, I think it may be "the one," but then God knows I've said THAT before.<br />
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But there is no need to dwell in such places right now. Now is the time to revel in my newfound ability to plumb the depths of BuzzFeed while riding a bus. Did I mention my capacity for under-productivity? It's at <i>least</i> as legendary as my talent for youth, and I dare say it probably has at least three times the staying power.<br />
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* I can't know, but I imagine she was a microwave.<br />
** On which note, flushability would be a great feature in other kinds of partners, if you get my drift.<br />
*** This is what my phone originally thought my name was. I think it would be a good stripper name, assuming (a) I decide to adopt a second career and (b) I don't want any clients.Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-23333559440863690702013-12-09T08:49:00.000-08:002013-12-09T08:53:00.198-08:00Northern Exposure: An Introduction to the BronxWriting about geography holds a special place in my heart. This is because every time I do, I get irate comments from readers with severe issues and excessive spare time. "How DARE you suggest that Belgium and France are the same country?!!" they write. "I am APPALLED. On the other hand, what can you expect from someone who thinks the national animal of Kazakhstan is the chocolate bunny?" To which I reply: I NEVER said that! I said he was the prime minister. But choose to believe what you want, if it makes you happy.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I do admit my grasp of the world is tenuous, which is why today I'm sticking close to home, with the following overview of:<br />
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<b>~ THE BRONX ~</b><br />
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The Bronx was created many geological epochs ago, when a Cro-Magnon workman named Unghh, who still works on 231st St., took a really big rock and banged it down hard to see what he would squish. This resulted in the shifting of the tectonic plates of the Earth. The Bronx split off in one big glob ("Bronx" is Cro-Magnon for "glob") from Manhattan, leaving untold thousands of Cro-Magnons without immediate access to artisanal coffee. Needless to say, they died instantly. The exception was Unghh, who lived on other Cro-Magnons.</div>
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That's how the Bronx got to be so far north. Most people don't even realize it exists. I know this because I used to be a student at Columbia, where it is <i>de rigueur </i>never to go further than your dorm bathroom, and some people never even bother with this. Columbia students believe the northern boundary of the known universe is Harlem, which they vaguely know to be a place we should all care about deeply but never go to. Whereas Harlem residents are a little more broad-minded. They believe the Earth terminates with Washington Heights. I don't know what Washington Heights residents think, but here is a simplified diagram of my best guess:</div>
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<b>TUNDRA</b></div>
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<b>↓</b></div>
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WASHINGTON HEIGHTS</div>
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<b>↓</b></div>
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HARLEM</div>
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<b>↓</b></div>
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A BUNCH OF OBLIVIOUS SNOTS AT SOME SCHOOL</div>
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↓</div>
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GROUND ZERO</div>
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↓</div>
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FLORIDA</div>
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Well, I'm here to tell you that "tundra" is actually the Bronx. You probably don't know much about it because the Bronx doesn't have the best reputation. This is a shame, because every so often I need people to sublet my apartment and pay large amounts of money. So that's why I'm here: to stand up for my borough's somewhat crud-festooned integrity. </div>
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How far has the Bronx come since the Cro-Magnon days? Well, I will tell you: now we have an iHop, and one of these days soon we are getting a T.J. Maxx, so just chew on <i>that</i>, why don't you. Even these days, pre-T.J. Maxx, commerce is strong here. I speak particularly of the "iPhone" truck down by the high school. This is a truck that sells "iPhones," if you get my drift. It also sells "batteries," "chargers," and many other items that attract a vast number of consumers, if you continue to get my drift. This is why on any given day, a long queue of high-schoolers wait outside, demonstrating their profound devotion to phone chargers.</div>
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You know what would be really funny? If a person <i>actually</i> went up to the iPhone Truck in hopes of purchasing, say, a charger. I assume this has never happened. Such is not the way your savvy New Yorker conducts his business transactions. Your savvy New Yorker entrusts his business to trusted corporations. He doesn't go throwing money around at places with nice-sounding names that are obvious huge fronts for crystal-meth operations, such as "iPhone Truck" or "Columbia University."*</div>
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Nevertheless my point is that the Bronx's economy, despite the turmoil of the Cro-Magnon era, stands strong. And what's more, the Bronx has the further advantage of having - I want to be very clear about the magnitude of this - a comical name. You can't find that just anywhere in NYC, at least not at these rent prices. (You <i>can</i> find it in Long Island. Check out the LIRR callboard at Penn Station and you'll be entertained for <i>days</i> by places with names like Yankywanker.)</div>
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Last of all, I should like to close today's geography lesson by dispelling the long-held notion that the Bronx is far from Manhattan. On the contrary, travel a mere 20 minutes, and you will be in a really unappetizing part of Manhattan. You'll want to come right back to the Bronx, which luckily is only a hop, skip and a jump away.</div>
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So to summarize, the advantages of the Bronx are as follows: excellent local commerce, a funny name, and convenience to places you wouldn't want to go anyway. Have I made my case? I think so, and now if you'll excuse me, I have to purchase an iPhone charger. Don't forget to attend geography class next week, when we'll discuss the Staten Island Chocolate Bunny Rebellion of 1915. The chocolate bunny is the official borough animal.</div>
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* If you didn't know this, you were kidding yourself.</div>
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Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-3442017873474129852013-11-28T06:45:00.003-08:002013-11-28T06:45:37.253-08:00In Your FaceThe other day, on the subway, I inadvertently smushed my handbag into some girl's face. She voiced her displeasure thusly: "You get your BAG outta my FACE."<br />
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You may sympathize with this reaction, particularly if you're the type who doesn't like handbags in your face. I, on the other hand, got mad, because I'm the type who doesn't like getting shoved.<br />
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Many might have crumpled before this show of aggression. However, I, an unrepentant Tough and Gritty New Yorker, was not about to back off. So I looked her squarely in her eye and I said - and I want to stress this is a real thing I said -<br />
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"You COULD say EXCUSE ME. You DON'T HAVE to be RUDE about it. "<br />
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That's right. <i> </i><br />
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<i>You DON'T HAVE to be RUDE about it. </i><br />
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<i> </i>All the bloodlust in the world, or at least the Bronx, coursing through my veins - and all I could manage was to sound like somebody's uppity granny. She should have slapped me around. <i>I</i> considered slapping me around. The words still replay in my brain daily, in all their gooky self-righteousness. <i>You DON'T HAVE to be RUDE about it,</i> my brain squeals, on medical appoinments, at work, at dinner with friends. The shame is real.<br />
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What is to be done about this? Well, the ideal would be to go around with a mental repertoire of scathing retorts at the ready. But if you're anything like me, you can't <i>remember</i> scathing retorts. So your best bet is to carry a handy list. Then you will have conversations like this:<br />
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<b>PERSON ON TRAIN: </b>You get your BAG outta my FACE. <br />
<b>YOU:</b> (<i>Stand there blankly for a moment, because you remember faintly, back in some dark recess of your mind, that this is your cue to do something. You just can't remember WHAT. So, stalling for time, you reply as follows.) </i><br />
Oh YEAH? ... YEAH? Well...<br />
<i>(Suddenly it dawns on you, and you fumble around for your list.)</i><br />
Hang on a second. <i> </i><br />
<i>(You dig madly through your bag, throwing things every which way</i>: <i>a lipstick, a wad of receipts, a coupon for Chock Full o' Nuts-brand coffee, etc. Finally you locate the list of witty retorts.</i><br />
A-HA! Here we go! Well, uh...<br />
(<i>You stare at the list.)</i><br />
Um. I'm sorry. Can you start over?<br /><b>PERSON ON TRAIN</b> <i>(having forgotten the whole affair)</i>: Huh?<br />
<b>YOU: </b>Um, well, I mean, we've kind of lost momentum. Can you say it again?<br />
<b>PERSON ON TRAIN: </b> Say <i>what</i> again?<br />
<b>YOU:</b> "Get your bag outta my face."<br />
<b>PERSON ON TRAIN</b> <i>(deeply affronted)</i>: My bag isn't IN your face.<br />
<b>YOU:</b> No, no, no. "GET YOUR bag OUTTA MY face."<br />
<b>PERSON ON TRAIN:</b> <i>(shoots you at close range)</i><br />
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Naturally any thinking court would rule this a justifiable homicide. So<i> </i>now technically I've forgotten what my original point was, if I had one. But I do want to close, on this Thanksgiving, by offering this heartfelt counsel to all my brethren, human and train-travelers alike: don't shove people, because shoving makes enemies. Then the shoved enemy will write a totally anonymous blog entry about you that you'll never see, and boy will YOU be sorry. So be a lover, not a shover. OK?<br />
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And if you disagree with me, fine. But you DON'T HAVE to be RUDE about it.<br />
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<i> </i><br />
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<br />Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-80068121429487799392013-11-04T10:47:00.002-08:002013-11-04T10:48:05.733-08:00Animal, Vegetable or Mayoral?Every so often, I decide it would be fun to put enormous amounts of stuff in a suitcase and lug it between Maine and New York at considerable expense. This is just one example of how human beings are criminally insane compared to animals. I cite as scientific evidence my cat, Danny, whose undertakings differ from mine as follows:<br />
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EXAMPLE 1:<br />
<i>Me: </i>Lug enormous amount of stuff from Maine to New York at considerable expense<br />
<i>Danny</i>: Sit on couch. Occasionally lick self. Communicate with unseen Zen master.<br />
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EXAMPLE 2:<br />
<i>Me: </i>Go to meetings.<br />
<i>Danny</i>: Sit on couch. Occasionally lick self. Communicate with unseen Zen master.<br />
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EXAMPLE 3:</div>
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<i>Me: </i>Attend professional "networking" events.</div>
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<i>Danny</i>: Sit on couch. Occasionally lick self. Communicate with unseen Zen master. </div>
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EXAMPLE 4:</div>
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<i>Me: </i>Attempt to socialize with the opposite sex.</div>
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<i>Danny</i>: Get neutered at a young age.</div>
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I think the animal advantage is clear here, which is why it baffles me that we keep selecting <i>humans</i> for - to take just one example - high office, when we could instead have, say, Labrador retrievers. Sure, there would be enormous amounts of butt-sniffing, and periodic humping orgies, but in other ways the government would be <i>very</i> different from how it is right now. For example, Congress would frequently be adjourned for a rousing round of Fetch.</div>
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What I'm getting around to here is - obviously - the impending New York City mayoral race. Right now we have two candidates, Bill de Blasio and Joe Lhota, both of whom are widely suspected to be humans. This would appear to be a classic case of speciesism. That's why I'm urging you, my fellow voters - New Yorkers and otherwise (hey, why not?) - to write in an animal as an alternative candidate for mayor. Of course you don't get to choose just <i>any</i> animal. No, it must be an indigenous animal current with the Concerns of the People of New York. That's why I've taken the liberty of narrowing it down to the following three:</div>
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1. <b>A cockroach named "Roscoe," </b>formerly of my building in the Bronx, at least until my roommate and I - I admit to this - <i>actually caught him in a cup and set him free outside,</i> because we lack the moral strength that would allow most thinking persons to stomp him to a stain. Who knows; perhaps as soon as Roscoe was released, he was squooshed by another enterprising foot. But more likely he is out there happily spreading disease to cute children. Assuming Roscoe lives, he is on my short list.</div>
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<b>- ADVANTAGE #1: </b>Stalwart citizen of the Bronx; of sufficient mass to carry his own personal Bronx ZIP code.</div>
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<b>- ADVANTAGE #2:</b> Carries slightly less bacteria than Anthony Weiner.</div>
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2. <b>The rat I once saw </b>scampering around in the tastefully arranged garden square outside of Bergdorf Goodman. On the other hand, given its real estate, this individual is probably a Republican. So forget it.</div>
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3. <b>A small, yappy, vicious dog </b>such as is found in the dog runs of Riverside Park, when it is not being casually consumed by German Shepherds as an hors-d'oeuvre. I'm suggesting these dogs because they <i>never </i>get a chance to shine. Granted, this is because they are basically little hateful walking wads of hair, fangs, poop and evil. But these qualities are of great advantage to a mayor.</div>
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<b>- ADVANTAGE #1:</b> These dogs are invariably owned either by Paris Hilton or elderly ladies named Edna, which means that - presuming the owner were appointed city energy czar, and evil could somehow be harnessed for "green" energy - we'd have enough energy to power all Brooklyn, or one Trump bathroom.</div>
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Okay. Let's get ready to cast our primary votes! Think carefully, now. Ready?</div>
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TICKA-TICKA-TICKA-TICKA</div>
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Good job! I've tabulated the votes, and here's how the city voted, borough-by-borough:</div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<b>BRONX:</b> Too pissed off at you, personally, to vote; ask again later; will still be too pissed off later.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<b>BROOKLYN:</b> Recused itself. Thinks it remembers hearing that all three animals were involved in a non-fair-trade coffee enterprise awhile back.</div>
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<b>QUEENS:</b> A nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.</div>
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<b>STATEN ISLAND: </b>Unnecessary.</div>
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<b>MANHATTAN:</b> 13% for the dog; 15% for the cockroach; 9% for the Bergdorf Goodman rat; 25% remind us it's all Bush's fault; and the remaining 38% say HEY! WHADDAYA LOOKIN' AT??!! YOU WANT ME T' TEAR YOU A NEW ONE?!! I'MA RIP YOUR FACE OFF'N USE IT AS A POTHOLDER! STANCLEARADA CLOSIN' DOORS! I SAID <i>STANCLEARADA CLOSIN' DOORS</i>, #@$!%&-HOLE!!! HAVE A NICE DAY. OH <i>YEAH?</i> YOU 'N WHAT ARMY? And meanwhile, the one remaining resident, loveable mensch Milton A. Frumpklein of Chelsea, says shyly that he knows of a really good place to get bagels.</div>
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Personally, I think - and I know you were wondering - that Roscoe, the cockroach, is the obvious future of the city. But you may disagree with me, and in that case, if you think I give a rat's ass, that would be very interesting. One way or another, I look forward to seeing how this city decides. Say what you will about our system of democracy; it always brings a tear to my eye. And just wait'll I get into what they do in France.</div>
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<br />Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-25802233179209872372013-10-23T19:09:00.001-07:002013-10-23T19:09:08.309-07:00P.O.'dEvery so often, you may find yourself in a state of pure inner peace
and contentment. This is unnatural to anyone who is not deeply disturbed
or my cat. Fortunately, there is a remedy. I speak, of course, of a
visit to my neighborhood post office.<br />
<br />
Take last Tuesday
for example. I woke up feeling like a shiny new penny.* This is not my
natural state; my natural state is one of perpetual, knuckle-popping
aggravation at mankind and fellow subway riders alike. So I went to the
post office to set myself straight. I knew my needs would be met, for
the postal clerks are tireless in their efforts to bathe your day in
enmity. They take no breaks except to eat their young.<br />
<br />
You
too might do well to pay a visit if, like me, you find yourself out of
sync. So here's a handy-dandy guide to the experience. You're welcome.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>A VISITOR'S GUIDE TO MY LOCAL P.O., LOCATED IN AN UNSPECIFIED</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>METROPOLITAN BOROUGH THAT, TO PROTECT ITS OTHERWISE STERLING REPUTATION, WE SHALL CALL "THE GRONX" (NOT ITS REAL NAME) </b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Step 1. </b>First,
you shall join a line of 56,000,000,000,000 wretched, defeated
customers who have been waiting in line since the Crusades, which would
have been preferable. Every so often, people's body parts fossilize or
turn to goodge. Some individuals have turned altogether to flesh puddles
with bifocals floating around in them, but BY GOLLY THEY ARE GOING TO
WAIT IN LINE UNTIL CALLED. And so are you, because that is the kind of
spunky New Yorker you are, goddammit.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Step 2. </b>While
still spunky (a period lasting 22 seconds), you entertain yourself by
dreaming up creative ways to kill those ahead of you.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Step 3. </b>
Meanwhile, you observe there are twelve service windows, two of which
are staffed by snarling, hate-crazed, froth-spewing beasts ready to
impale you on their digi-pens at a moment's notice. Even the courtesy
sign says so (<b>"PLEASE WAIT TO BE CALLED, OR THE FROTH-SPEWING BEAST BEHIND THE WINDOW WILL IMPALE YOU ON HER DIGI-PEN"</b>). </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Step 4. </b>Now
it is your turn to approach the window. Genuflecting and offering up
your firstborn without even being asked, you move one nanometer closer
to the window, whereupon the cashier, in a voice that could vaporize
Russia, utters the traditional federal pleasantry: <span style="font-size: large;"><i>"</i>YOU<i>GETBACKINLINE!!!"</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Step 5. </b>You are formally called to the window.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i> </i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Step 6. </b>That was a daydream. You are still waiting while the cashier counts her skin cells.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Step 7. </b>Meanwhile -- anyone in the Gronx may feel free to back me up on this -- <i>additional</i> people, meaning people <i>who weren't even in line until now</i>,
appear around you. Apparently these individuals have been belched forth
from the walls. Naturally all of them get called to the window before
you. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Step 8. </b>Finally you really <i>are</i>
called up to the window, and as it is your lucky day, the postmistress
decides to go easy on you by not incinerating you with a single glance. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Step 9. </b>The two of you lock gazes in a death battle. Her bloodshot, sideways eyes dare you to carry out your transaction; yours say, <i>Bring it on, baby.</i> Just as she prepares to electrocute you telekinetically, Pokémon-style, you make the bold, unprecedented move of <i>actually whipping out your wallet.</i> That's right. You're gonna <i>complete your transaction</i> and you're <i>not backing down.</i> Whoa-ho-HOA! Betcha didn't see THAT one coming, now, U.S. Postal Harpy, didja? Do your WORST! BOO-yah! </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Step 10.</b>
Only momentarily stunned, your opponent quickly regroups, retaliating
with one swift, hostile gesture that means you must open the postal sale
window. You accept the challenge; there's no stopping now. You open
your window. She gives you the Death Look that means close it now or
else. You do so, whereupon she opens the corresponding window on <i>her</i>
side. Out of sheer spite and bravado, you open yours again. She slams
hers down, a warning to quit playing with the big girls now or else. But
you just slam <i>yours</i> down again. So she slams <i>hers</i> down again. And on you two go, SLAM, SLAM, SLAM, SLAM, back and forth, until finally you two are slamming to <i>the exact rhythm</i> of "Mars, Bringer of War" from <i>The Planets.</i> This slam-a-rama could go on all night.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Step 11. </b>At
last, you are done. She let you off easy when she realized you had not,
technically speaking, brought anything to mail, having accidentally
left it on your kitchen table. But such details are minor to you, the
victor of the day, because <i>your opponent did not win.</i> Visibly shaken by the experience, she eats only half a child for lunch.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Step 12. </b>And
finally, secure in the glory of a mission accomplished, you wend your
way home. Sure, you may not have actually mailed anything; but you have
done the impossible in emerging with all your original extremities. So
go home, pamper yourself, and rest assured of a job well done! Take the
rest of the day to kick back and luxuriate. It will be <i>ages</i> before you realize you forgot your wallet. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<br />
* Which is to say, round and brown with Abraham Lincoln on my front.<br />
<br />Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-80158692920490952812013-09-17T18:39:00.000-07:002013-09-17T18:41:10.812-07:00A Tale of Two Fringes, Part 1: San Diego EditionFor those who don't know (and I assume there are a few members of the Amazonian Pirahã tribe who don't know), my musical <i>Aisle Six</i> recently made it into two Fringe Festivals.<br />
<br />
<b>Q.</b> Are you saying "French" or "Fringe"?
<b> </b><br />
<b>A.</b> Yes.<br />
<br />
<b>Q.</b> Okay, so what is the "Fringe"?
<b> </b><br />
<b>A.</b> I'm glad you asked. The term "Fringe" comes from the Latin <i>fringum</i> (first use, year XIII), which can be used two ways (not at once, and not while pregnant or nursing). One of its uses was to indicate bodily harm, as in, "I hear Grumio the serf got a boo-boo on his fringum." The other meaning was, "Theater that will one day be performed on the Lower East Side, though God only knows why you'd want to go there, since it's the year XIII and there are no decent tacquerias." This is the meaning of <i>Fringe</i> that we preserve today. Plus now we have decent tacquerias.<br />
<br />
Actually, the first of my two Fringes took place not on the Lower East Side, but rather in San Diego, California, which has had good tacquerias since the Precambrian Era. This is pretty darned impressive when you consider there <i>weren't even any humans yet.</i>*<br />
<br />
The San Diego Fringe Festival was new to its city** this summer, joining the ranks of other cherished San Diego traditions, most notably:<br />
<br />
1. <b>The Comic-Con</b>, an annual event during which the San Diego Convention Center emits clouds of ecstatic nerd testosterone so powerful their fumes fell bison in Yellowstone, and<br />
2. The yuk-a-minute gag of <b>airplanes flying so low</b> they routinely land on your head and kill you. This is a practical joke by the fun-loving San Diego-based air personnel, intended to liven up the "laid-back" atmosphere, and/or cull the herd.<br />
<br />
But in all seriousness, the first thing you notice in San Diego, in between ducking and covering, is the kindness. San Diegans, as a general rule, are gifted with a warmheartedness so sincere, so profound, that it can only be caused by large quantities of drugs.<br />
<br />
No! Just kidding.*** My point is, whatever the cause, San Diegans tend to be full of happy, positive energy. You take the first read-through of my play. I wish you could have been a fly on the wall. I appeared on Skype from Maine, while the rest gathered in a room in San Diego, alternating between reading and dissolving in laughter. It was the most fun read-through I've ever done - and not just because I never had to leave my bed.<br />
<br />
So - as I ask myself upon any unexpected event, good or bad - what the heck happened? These people didn't already know each other, weren't friends seeking to have a good time around friends. The norm among strangers is diffidence and tightness - especially when those strangers are asked to do an awkwardly soul-bearing thing like read a play aloud. Yet instead, every single one of my San Diego actors came in ready to rock and roll, as if absorbing the positive energy from each other, then expelling it with interest. I'd never seen anything like it, but I hope I will again.<br />
<br />
What's more, it continued like that. From the first rehearsal to the last performance, the whole production experience was filled with such intense, heartfelt positivity that it could only have been fueled by drugs.<br />
<br />
No! Sorry. Only joking.**** Didn't mean that. Whatever the reason, the cast took on the play as their very own and made it soar. They provided <i>Aisle Six</i> with the kick-start it needed, the launching pad for its future success wherever it goes. And I can't thank them enough.<br />
<br />
I think theatrical experiences like mine at the San Diego Fringe come along only once in a blue moon. I've had maybe one other like it, where the cast came in with open minds, fitting together, bouncing off one another's personalities and individual energies, totally in tune with each other and the piece. What this does is elevate the piece, giving it new and often unexpected life, raising the bar for every production to come. There's no greater gift this cast could have given <i>Aisle Six.</i> There's no greater gift they could have given me.<br />
<br />
Except, of course, for some of their drugs.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
* Though as you can imagine, the service was <i>lousy.</i><br />
** San Diego.<br />
*** Maybe.<br />
**** I think.Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-82227142652353226102013-05-27T13:53:00.001-07:002013-05-27T13:53:19.623-07:00Tumblin' in the WindHey hey, everyone!
I made a Tumblr for my musical. Check it out here: http://adventuresofaislesix.tumblr.com/Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-1143941984638434292013-05-11T16:32:00.005-07:002013-05-11T16:32:59.098-07:00Aisle Six at the Fringe... and the Fringe... and the Fringe.Hello, all.<br />
<br />
With apologies for all the dust circulating on this here chunk o' blogosphere these past months, I hereby present ... one of the very reasons for said dust:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-u8zfRgHmW-g/UY7T4iJfMjI/AAAAAAAAAf4/lOggRMqJm_I/s1600/hondo.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-u8zfRgHmW-g/UY7T4iJfMjI/AAAAAAAAAf4/lOggRMqJm_I/s320/hondo.png" width="295" /></a></div>
<br />
That's right. My musical <i>Aisle Six</i> has been accepted to not one, but *three* Fringe festivals: Portland, ME; San Diego, CA; and New York City.<br />
<br />
On which note, I would appreciate immensely if you'd take a moment to consider my Indiegogo fundraising campaign, as seen below. I would like nothing better than to be able to compensate my cast and crew for their time and talent, among other things (see link).<br />
<br />
Many, many thanks - and clean-up in Aisle Six.<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe src="http://www.indiegogo.com/project/407053/widget/3248569" width="224px" height="486px" frameborder="0" scrolling="no"></iframe>Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-37565562596561262802013-02-11T19:26:00.003-08:002013-02-11T19:45:47.224-08:00A Popeless Case<div>
<div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GQH8Hta1U1k/URmeVxs6bdI/AAAAAAAAAds/bh2j3kmZ-zM/s1600/popead3.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GQH8Hta1U1k/URmeVxs6bdI/AAAAAAAAAds/bh2j3kmZ-zM/s320/popead3.gif" width="230" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Image via <a href="http://medievaleurope.mrdonn.org/popeleo.html">Middle Ages for Kids</a></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
As part of my ongoing effort to
provide you, the public, with the latest hard-hitting world news, I want
to draw your attention to two recent items. First, on Feb. 9, <a href="http://blog.zap2it.com/pop2it/2013/02/man-leaves-estate-to-actors-kevin-brophy-and-peter-barton.html">a man left his estate to two forgotten heartthrob actors from the '70s</a>.
Then, on Feb. 11, the pope resigned.<br />
<br />
Don't try to tell ME these are unconnected.<br />
<br /></div>
Let's
go back and examine these events in more detail. First, consider the
man - the late Ray Fulk, 71, of Lincoln, Illinois - who willed his
estate to the actors. This is a highly suspicious event if ever there
was one. It would be one thing if the actors were still-beloved stars of
bygone days, but these were actors so forgotten they don't even
remember <i>their own selves</i>. The only possible explanation is that
the deceased selected his beneficiaries based solely on degree of
comical hair, with bonus points for each undone shirt button, and extra
credit if a gleaming chest is involved.*<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
Obviously
this is very troubling, because think about it, what have forgotten
heartthrobs from the seventies done for YOU lately? When was the last
time Jeff Conaway, from <i>Taxi</i>, shoveled your driveway? The eleventh of NEVER, that's when, and he's never <i>going</i> to, either, a fact hardly excused by the fact that he is dead. Honestly, you would think the late Ray Fulk would at least have left his worldly goods to a more promising heir, such as his tapeworm.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
This event was so troubling that - you guessed it - it caused the pope to quit.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
You
can see how this would happen. I mean, put yourself in the Pope's
shoes** for a moment. Here you are, the leader of the global Catholic
Church, just minding your own holy business - namely, rearranging your
holy Netflix queue while picking your holy nose - when all of a sudden,
the news comes to you, via your right-hand man,*** that the late Ray
Fulk, 71, of Lincoln, Illinois, has left all his riches to twerpy actors
who once - and I don't <i>care</i> if this was just a phase - had mullets.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
"Consarn
it!" you would say, in Latin.**** "I've stuck it out through wars in
Afghanistan and Iraq; I've sat tight while mankind butchered mankind the
world over; I kept on going through the whole Lance Armstrong thing,
but only in a godless world would this kind of [UNPOPELY WORD REDACTED]
go down."<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
To which I say - in the language of the Vatican - darn tootin'.
After all, there is an old saying that goes: "The
day that the actions of Ray Fulk, 71, of Lincoln, Illinois, make you
question your role as a major spiritual leader, maybe you had better
stop being a major spiritual leader."<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
Fortunately,
Pope Benedict XVI (not his real name, speaking of the highly
suspicious)***** has other bright career prospects ahead of him. Sources
close to the Vatican indicate he was last seen flopped on his bed
enthusiastically reading a big pile of Amway training pamphlets.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
Naturally, the pope cites "health concerns" as the reason for his resignation, but now just who is going to believe <i>that</i>? Just because he is a 956-year-old man doesn't mean we have to buy this flagrant <i>balderdash</i>. This makes me wonder how the last pope to resign (six hundred years ago, when Benedict was a mere young pup of 356) handled <i>his</i> early exit. Two weeks' notice, is my guess. They had more class back then. They also had pet dinosaurs.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Nevertheless,
the world goes on. You and your friends will go about your business;
Ray Fulk of Lincoln, Illinois will continue being dead; and Pope
"Benedict" may well soon appear at your door to sell you cleaning
products. Meanwhile, pretty soon we will get a new pope, which is like
getting a new doggy except not interesting. No one can say just who that
will be, although I can think of two actors recently back in the
limelight who may want to submit their headshots.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
* Preferably emitting little cartoon sparkles going, quote, "PINGGG."</div>
** Needless to say, these are Air Jordans.</div>
</div>
*** Guido.</div>
**** "E pluribus unum!"</div>
***** His real name is Pope Benedict XVI Henderson. He shortened it, like Beyoncé.<br />
<br /></div>
Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-45118807673013354742013-01-28T09:30:00.000-08:002013-01-28T09:36:47.258-08:00I Can't Get No SatisfactionSo I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it seems our job market is poor. Barely a day goes by you don't see a headline like this:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>EMPLOYMENT RATE REACHES ALL-TIME LOW</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>SINCE DAYS OF OUR SINGLE-CELLED ANCESTORS </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i>[Your Name], Personally, Will Be Forced to Eat Own Fingers for Sustenance</i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Naturally this has me concerned. Not because of the lack of jobs, but because I fear that if this state of affairs persists, our society will lose track of something fundamental. We will lose track of the fact that jobs suck.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I think we can all agree that job hatred has long been the backbone of workplace culture. If you don't believe me, you can test out my claim via the following scientific experiment: first, walk into a familiar establishment, which we shall call T.J. Marshall's Lots Mart Store Place ("Crap for Less - Crap for <i>You</i>"). Now, study the employees, and you will notice a universal trait: they are all named Kayla. Is this strictly necessary? </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
But never mind. I have strayed from my original point, which is this: they are all sullen and surly and consumed by job hatred violent enough to cause severe weather damage in Galveston, Texas (and you are located in Maine). If you dare to ask them a question, such as where to find the stationery,* they will leap forth roaring, hyena-style, in a concerted effort to eat your forearm whole. Assuming you escape unscathed and make no further moves toward the employee, s/he** will then calmly retreat to her own quiet corner, growling softly, to resume munching on her wildebeest carcass. </div>
<br />
And now we are facing the very real possibility, with the winnowing of the job market, that job hatred may itself die out. I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in that world, and I don't want my children to know it either.*** There are precious few things we can count on in this world, aside from surly employees, infomercials for things only the severely troubled would ever purchase, and Dunkin' Donuts. These are our national security blankets, our collective snuggle bears. It would be a massive rip in the fabric of our society were we to lose any one of them.<br />
<br />
But I'm afraid the scarcer jobs become, the rosier and more romanticized our perceptions of them, until finally we long for them with the same sort of passionate yearning normally associated with hot burnin' monkey love, or sweet potato fries.<br />
<br />
As far as I can see, there is but one solution to this problem: overcompensation, in the form of zealous job satisfaction. Before I go any further, let me clarify my position: I am sitting on the blue chair in the living room with one leg up and the other down. Now that we've cleared that up, I want to make clear that I am actually in <i>favor</i> of job satisfaction. I don't believe you should actually go around hating what you do, so much as I believe it's an integral part of workplace culture, like the water cooler in the hall that goes BLURP BLURP BLURP and the oft-opaque but viciously stated item of gossip about a co-worker ("OHMYGOD, DID YOU HEAR BETTY? SHE LIKE THINKS SHE'S ALL THAT").<br />
<br />
Nonetheless, job satisfaction might be the way to go. Since this is on my mind lately, I've been going around taking notes, in hopes that I might improve the situation by sharing them with you, my public. Here they are. You're welcome.<br />
<br />
1. You would probably do well to start finding mundane things unbearably exciting. There's a conductor on the Orange Line in Boston who seems to have this down pat. The other morning, he was announcing each station as if it was more exciting than Space Mountain and sexier than lust itself. Here is what he sounded like (I have done my best to transcribe accurately): "Lllllladies and gentlemen ... coming up .... our next stop ... DOWWWWWWWWN ... TOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN ... KERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-<i>ROSSINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG</i>!" Needless to say, this visibly cheered up the passengers, who were made to look upon arrival at Downtown Crossing as a major event in the history of the cosmos, at least until .05 seconds after they stepped off the train. I didn't stay on much longer myself, but I assume the conductor kept topping himself with each stop, until with his announcement of Forest Hills he made a multiple orgasm seem like a tetanus booster.<br />
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2. This is one I came up with myself. If you work in the post office, which has got to be one of the most grueling and unappealing jobs on Earth, especially if you are dealing with customers like me ("Don't you think that "Media Mail" stamp might be a tad sub-par? Maybe you should stick some clear tape over it so as to prevent further smearing"), you should feel free to "let loose" every so often. One good way would be to come to work one day (I suggest this be a summer day) wearing nothing but postage stamps covering every nanometer of your body, then run around the P.O. roaring at top volume: "I ... am ... STAMP-MAN!!! For JUSTICE!! For LIBERTY!! FOREVER!!!"**** I guarantee you will experience job satisfaction from that moment till the last breath you take at Bellevue.<br />
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Well, that's all I got so far. I hope I've done my part toward stabilizing our workplace culture even in these trying economic times. I know I was concerned.<br />
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* Wouldn't <i>you</i> like to know.</div>
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** I know you are wondering, and yes, the males are named Kayla too.</div>
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*** Fortunately, they're not born, which pretty much takes care of <i>that.</i> </div>
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**** Hahaha! See what I did there? "Forever"? Stamps? ... Never mind.</div>
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Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-30612769066547244942013-01-24T11:53:00.000-08:002013-01-24T11:53:07.850-08:00Singing Puppets in Gotham...<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">Happy news: in April, I'll be performing in a musical in <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/page.php?id=124540960986849&extragetparams=%7B%22group_id%22%3A0%7D" href="http://www.facebook.com/NYCTFest?group_id=0">The New York Children's Theater Festival</a>! It's called "Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater" and it is performed, of course, by puppets.<br /> <br />
Here is the Kickstarter page (I'm playing the yellow girlie, though not
in this video). If there are those among you with a buck or two to
donate to puppet theatre, we'd all be much obliged.<br /> <br /> Yay! <br /> <br /> <a href="http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/295219485/cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater" rel="nofollow nofollow" target="_blank"><span>http://www.kickstarter.com/</span><wbr></wbr><span class="word_break"></span><span>projects/295219485/</span><wbr></wbr><span class="word_break"></span>cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater</a></span></span></h5>
<br />Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-36789640783283302202013-01-22T17:08:00.000-08:002013-01-22T17:11:15.133-08:00A Love-Skate RelationshipI went ice skating for the first time in seven years, and I'm pleased to report I have retained my form. Granted, my form consists of lurching around spasmodically like a deranged prehominid with a severe nerve disorder. Still, form is form.<br />
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I have done exhaustive soul-searching as to why I am like this (bad at skating, but dangerously beautiful). Sometimes I meditate on it for nearly as long as it takes the Keurig to spit out the next cup of coffee. I've concluded that my skating ineptitude (defined by Merriam-Webster's as a "lack of eptitude") can be put down to a variety of reasons. These are as follows. (You know you want to know.)<br />
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First of all, there is the matter of my height. Generally speaking, I stand about five foot five, except for the year I was thirteen, at which time I stood 7'1" and liked a boy who was 4'2". But outside of those golden days I have always maintained my petite stature. Well, the moment I stepped on the ice, that changed. All of a sudden I reverted to a seven-foot behemoth, and my center of gravity, which usually stays in its proper spot like a good girl, shot up around my jawbone. This left all body parts below to flail around comically, no two flailing in the same direction. In fact, I believe that at one point, while my arms and legs were flailing at center rink, my torso was seen getting refreshments at the snack bar.*<br />
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A second reason for my ineptitude is: small children. On any given day, there are many of these at the rink, all of whom have already learned to do graceful layback spins and majestic jumps, and all of whom are uppity little snots. You may dismiss this as "sour grapes" if you like, but I assure you I base my dislike of these children on a highly mature and balanced rationale: they suck. Clearly they are out to give me an inferiority complex, or rather, to infuse my pre-existing inferiority complex with steroids until it makes the late Marlon Brando look like Lamb Chop.<br />
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The thing is, <i>I could learn to skate too</i>, if I were two feet tall like those children and Regis Philbin. They have <i>nowhere to fall</i>. The ice is right there, located at a nice, safe, comforting distance, right at child- and Regis-level. Whereas giantesses like me are doomed, per the laws of physics, to fall and break and groan and die. As you will no doubt remember if you too once briefly and vaguely studied physics without ever truly giving a shit, a falling body (mine) is governed by evil little forces called "newtons" that are named after the fact that they resemble Wayne Newton. The way it works is, the heavier the falling body in question, the more newtons there are involved in the fall. For instance, if you drop a saltine cracker, there are only about 18 newtons to speak of, whereas if you personally fall, there will be a billion gazillion skintillion little tiny Waynes involved.<br />
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So we can also attribute my skating deficiencies to the fact that the ice is too far away. If they ("they" is, or are, the Gods of the Ice)** would just move it closer to my center of gravity, we'd be in business. While I'm at it, I also move that the ice be transformed into a softer substance. Tapioca comes to mind.<br />
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Finally, I attribute my failings to delusions of grandeur. When I was little, I followed the sport of figure skating (I still do, with the kind of ferocity normally associated with a hyena at lunchtime) and I somehow believed that whatever I saw top-flight skaters do on TV, I could do too. This is of course true, assuming that we are talking about when they wipe their noses. But I truly believed I was headed for the Olympics by age 8, although I guess I would have been willing to settle for age 12.<br />
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I'll tell you something else that does nothing to extinguish these delusions. When you are at a public skating session and they play some sort of high octane, bumpa-bumping song sung by someone like Beyoncé - well, this is dangerous stuff for those of us as tend toward being demented. We immediately believe, on some wack-a-doodle level, that we are performing a frisky and rip-roaring exhibition number - no matter how pitiful and flea-bitten the level of our actual skating.<br />
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Thus we can see what a sorry state of affairs we are up against, and that's without even considering world hunger or poverty.*** Fortunately, I have a few brilliant suggestions for how to salvage the situation. Don't thank me.<br />
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<b>1. We mandate universal enrollment in a harsh, rigorous, "tough-love" Learn-to-Skate program, </b>wherein if you do well, you get a shiny new toy; and if you do badly, Nancy Kerrigan will bite you. This should separate the "men" from the "boys."****<br />
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<b>2. Alternatively, you could enlist actual prehominids to skate around you,</b> so as to level the playing field. These individuals can be found at your local GameStop establishment.<br />
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<b>3. Or you could just learn to be confident in your own skin.</b><br />
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<b>4. Hahahahaha, I didn't think I could get through that one with a straight face.</b> <br />
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Oh, but take heart, my fellow clumsy ox. For no matter how non-existent, how pathetic, how jaw-droppingly miserable your skating skills, if you continue your efforts with sheer, dogged persistence - never for one moment allowing your mind or body to stray from your cherished goal - then there can be no doubt that one magical day, in one shining moment, you will get royally pissed off and quit.<br />
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That's fine. There's no shame in quitting. All I can say is, some of us are quitters and some are fighters. I myself pledge to "keep on trucking" until the bitter end. I plan to do this via the strict regimen I have been following all along: namely, going skating only once every seven years. At this rate, I am sure to be ready for the Olympics at age 864. Age 868 at the latest.<br />
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* Of <i>course </i>it was flailing too. What did you think?<br />
** Queen Frostine, from the Candy Land board game; and Phil, who drives the Zamboni.<br />
*** Because, let's face it, when was the last time anybody followed these sports at the Olympics?<br />
**** Or at least from their "fingers." <br />
<br />Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6030368723151142404.post-44688374664743288002013-01-02T19:25:00.001-08:002013-01-02T19:25:32.135-08:00Exit, Pursued by a DalekI just found this item on Facebook - reaffirming my long-held belief that, for sheer guts'n'gore, no one can touch old Titus A. For readable type, the original (bigger) post is <a href="http://pinterest.com/pin/103160647686335568/">here, on Pinterest</a>.<br />
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And speaking of fundamental British culture, it turns out Royal Mail is going to be <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/royal-mail-marks-50th-anniversary-doctor-stamp-series-153019866.html">issuing a set of Doctor Who stamps</a>. They say this is to commemorate the 50th anniversary, but frankly I think they've just been waiting for any excuse to put a Dalek on a stamp.<br />
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Also, this:<br />
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So nobody better ever try to tell ME the government wastes its money.<br />
<br />Nicola http://www.blogger.com/profile/16386975293948746481noreply@blogger.com0