Her Snark is Worse than Her Bite

Recently on Facebook, I came across a personality test that determines what animal you are, based on psychological traits. I tried the quiz, of course, but I'm somewhat skeptical of its claim that I am a dog. I mean, first of all, how many dogs do you know who have gotten through Columbia? ZE-RO, that's how many - and with good reason, namely, Columbia discriminates against dogs. Their so-called diversity initiatives are a laughable FICTION.

Furthermore, not to speak ill of dogs, but psychologically they are not, shall we say, the most complicated critters in nature. Scientists agree that dogs rank, in terms of psychological complexity, just below amoebas and above Olympic swimmers. Oh sure, some dogs, such as Siberian huskies, give the impression of psychological complexity, but it is all just a façade. They may look all noble and complicated and intense, but beneath it all, what they are thinking basically boils down to one thought: "I wish to lick my own crotch."*

So as you can imagine, I'm a little ticked off by this result, despite being a big fan of the species (with the exception of little demon weenie mutant-rodent imitation-canine breeds with names like "winkie-poo," which Mother Nature clearly thought would be hilarious to create after consuming one too many schnapps). Now if I had gotten to pick my test results, I would have picked the parrot, or personality type ENTP. The test describes the ENTP/parrot individual as follows: "ENTPs prize intelligence and competence [...] They are often described as witty, clever, cerebral, and resourceful. They are verbally inclined and they often have a perverse sense of humor [...] They sometimes chatter."

See, I would be totally OK with being a parrot! I would even be OK with being a petting zoo parrot because you could deposit guano on whoever deserved it, or else just when the moment carried you. 

But frankly, I don't think we can compare humans to animals. Just think about the depth of humanity. When you are standing on a crowded subway platform at rush hour, you are surrounded by a diverse medley of individuals of such infinite psychological nuance and depth that, if you could somehow see into the entirety of the psyche of just one of these individuals, you would be totally grossed out. Because of course humans are disgusting. This is evidenced by the variety of porn sites out there. I mean, not that I would know anything about these sites personally, but I am told there is a vast wealth of pornographic media on the Internet (I am told there is an Internet), and word has it this media runs the gamut from straight to gay to robot to meerkat to flatworm.** Say it with me: our generation is SO spoiled.

Nevertheless, I can't say I care for the animal personality test, which doesn't take into account the nitty-gritty everyday life details of the individual. So here is my own, holistic*** quiz, designed with the true essence of a person's inner, primal animality in mind:

WHAT ANIMAL ARE YOU? WE MEAN, LIKE, REALLY? -- A SCIENTIFIC QUIZ

The ultimate pizza topping would be:

1. Seeds

2. Science Diet

3. My young

My species' natural enemy is:

1. Cat

2. Coyote

3. Wolf Blitzer

Complete this sentence: Humans' best quality is their ______

1. Companionship

2. Body warmth at night 

3. Tasty femurs

When confronted with a child fallen down a well, I will:

1. Run to get help from the farm family

2. Continue engaging in personal hygiene as though nothing has happened

3. Cough a hairball down the well after the child

My instinctive reaction upon meeting others is:

1. Sniff butts

2. Exchange business cards

3. Sniff butts while exchanging business cards

Now, you can score yourself as follows: did you pick mostly "A's," mostly "B's" or mostly "C's?" In all three cases, the result is the same: you are a doofus, because the answers are labelled 1-2-3.

And ultimately, let's face it, does it really matter what animal you are in your psyche? Because, be you moose or fox or Arctic Tern, there is one common, fundamental trait that defines us all: every last one of us - from the mightiest world leader to the lowliest "Belchin' Beulah"-brand soft drink distributor**** - truly believes, from the bottom of his heart, that his life is WAY more interesting than anyone else thinks.

Except for me. My life is fascinating. Speaking of which, if you'll excuse me, I have this urge to go eat out of the garbage.

*But aside from this they are very different from the presidential candidates.
**Flatworm porn mainstay: video of a single flatworm dividing and dividing and dividing.
***Meaning, "written in six minutes while mostly thinking about eating a bagel."
****Serving vending machine districts 883, 884 and 886, but not 885 (except weekends).