I don't know about you, but I have particularly strong feelings about teeth. Perhaps this is due to having just had my wisdom teeth out. This is a procedure wherein a godless person - whom we shall refer to only as "Dr. Destructo"* - rips out pieces of your head. That's right, we are talking about your same head which you have had with you since you were a baby, not harming Dr. Destructo or anyone else, just to clarify. How many wisdom teeth you will need to have removed depends on the situation. For example, if Dr. Destructo just had a windfall from his latest "Money Ball Bingo" scratch-off ticket (New York Lottery, $2),** you might need only one tooth removed, whereas if he is trying to make boat payments, you might need as many as six of your wisdom teeth removed.
Or I might feel sensitive about teeth because I have a chip in my right front tooth. NATURALLY it would be a tooth that is always on display, like the Kardashian sisters but with more talent. And, you want to know how I chipped it?*** Watching TV. Really. I was flopped down in front of the TV and reached up idly to touch my tooth and CRKKK**** that tooth was no longer flat-bottomed. I have always been extremely annoyed at this turn of events, not enough to have the tooth fixed but DEFINITELY enough to whine about it in writing. Of course, there's also the fact that the tooth chip is not really so noticeable. I know this deep down, or else I would have had it fixed a long time ago, but I tend to inflate my physical flaws in my mind's eye, so that, if you actually look like this:
|(I actually do look like this) (but not shown actual size)|
Anyway, I don't know if it's for these reasons or what, but I've recently become very interested in the teeth in my field, puppetry. For example, take this Folkmanis-brand Great White Shark puppet, which has multiple rows of what turn out to be extremely hard rubber teeth:
What this picture doesn't show is that this puppet is the approximate size of a Mini-Cooper, which means that in addition to having 696 menacing choppers it could easily devour Elmo, Zoe, and the little pink fairy Muppet all in one gulp, not that we are suggesting anything. Speaking of which, we have another idea too involving the friendly human adults on Sesame Street, although it is pretty impractical.
Anyway, wouldn't this be a FANTASTIC puppet for story time? (As my father eloquently put it: "Hi, kids! Let's read some stories!" "EEEEEYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH" [wildebeest-style stampede out of library] [SLAM] "Hey, was the floor all wet earlier?")
TIP FOR PROFESSIONALS: This works even better if you have Elmo's disembodied little legs hanging limply out the shark puppet's maw. It's fun for the kids!
Speaking of the Muppets and teeth: did you know that Cookie Monster used to have hideously awesome teeth? They just did a feature on it in Mental Floss magazine.***** If you're not familiar with Mental Floss ("Where Knowledge Junkies Get Their Fix"), I recommend you check it out, especially the "Amazing Fact Generator," which, as its name might suggest, amazingly generates facts. Like this one:
About one in every 4 million lobsters is born with a rare genetic defect that turns it blue. One in every 30 million is yellow.
Like most Mental Floss factoids, this is interesting, if not particularly illuminating.****** Now if they had said that about one in every 4 million lobsters is born with a rare genetic defect that turns it into (CHOOSE ONE) a college Career Center Advisor; a T-Mobile representative; the daughter on Gilmore Girls, this would not only be interesting, but the world would finally make some damn sense.
But no matter. My point is, here are the images Mental Floss posted of Cookie Monster in his salad days:
Is this not a VAST improvement over the current incarnation? Also, I want to point out that in that second picture, according to Mental Floss, he's eating a computer. That takes me back to the first computer I had as a kid. It was a Windows 95, which meant it looked slightly sleeker than the above pictured item, but had less functionality.
Anyway, I really don't know what's caused this particular train of thought today; all I know is I've got teeth on the brain, and now so do you so you're stuck with them nyah nyah nyah. Come to think of it, you might want to see your local Dr. Destructo about that. I understand he is looking to buy a second place in the Adirondacks.
* Real name is Dr. Deface-o.
** They also have one called "Porker Night."
*** Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.
**** Actually I like to think it was more like "PWINGGG."
***** Slow news day.
****** Although "The Yellow Lobster of Texas" would make an excellent song.
©2011 Nicola McEldowney