Monday, February 11, 2013

A Popeless Case

Image via Middle Ages for Kids
As part of my ongoing effort to provide you, the public, with the latest hard-hitting world news, I want to draw your attention to two recent items. First, on Feb. 9, a man left his estate to two forgotten heartthrob actors from the '70s. Then, on Feb. 11, the pope resigned.

Don't try to tell ME these are unconnected.

Let's go back and examine these events in more detail. First, consider the man - the late Ray Fulk, 71, of Lincoln, Illinois - who willed his estate to the actors. This is a highly suspicious event if ever there was one. It would be one thing if the actors were still-beloved stars of bygone days, but these were actors so forgotten they don't even remember their own selves. The only possible explanation is that the deceased selected his beneficiaries based solely on degree of comical hair, with bonus points for each undone shirt button, and extra credit if a gleaming chest is involved.*

Obviously this is very troubling, because think about it, what have forgotten heartthrobs from the seventies done for YOU lately? When was the last time Jeff Conaway, from Taxi, shoveled your driveway? The eleventh of NEVER, that's when, and he's never going to, either, a fact hardly excused by the fact that he is dead. Honestly, you would think the late Ray Fulk would at least have left his worldly goods to a more promising heir, such as his tapeworm.

This event was so troubling that - you guessed it - it caused the pope to quit.

You can see how this would happen. I mean, put yourself in the Pope's shoes** for a moment. Here you are, the leader of the global Catholic Church, just minding your own holy business - namely, rearranging your holy Netflix queue while picking your holy nose - when all of a sudden, the news comes to you, via your right-hand man,*** that the late Ray Fulk, 71, of Lincoln, Illinois, has left all his riches to twerpy actors who once - and I don't care if this was just a phase - had mullets.

"Consarn it!" you would say, in Latin.**** "I've stuck it out through wars in Afghanistan and Iraq; I've sat tight while mankind butchered mankind the world over; I kept on going through the whole Lance Armstrong thing, but only in a godless world would this kind of [UNPOPELY WORD REDACTED] go down."

To which I say - in the language of the Vatican - darn tootin'. After all, there is an old saying that goes: "The day that the actions of Ray Fulk, 71, of Lincoln, Illinois, make you question your role as a major spiritual leader, maybe you had better stop being a major spiritual leader."

Fortunately, Pope Benedict XVI (not his real name, speaking of the highly suspicious)***** has other bright career prospects ahead of him. Sources close to the Vatican indicate he was last seen flopped on his bed enthusiastically reading a big pile of Amway training pamphlets.

Naturally, the pope cites "health concerns" as the reason for his resignation, but now just who is going to believe that? Just because he is a 956-year-old man doesn't mean we have to buy this flagrant balderdash. This makes me wonder how the last pope to resign (six hundred years ago, when Benedict was a mere young pup of 356) handled his early exit. Two weeks' notice, is my guess. They had more class back then. They also had pet dinosaurs.

Nevertheless, the world goes on. You and your friends will go about your business; Ray Fulk of Lincoln, Illinois will continue being dead; and Pope "Benedict" may well soon appear at your door to sell you cleaning products. Meanwhile, pretty soon we will get a new pope, which is like getting a new doggy except not interesting. No one can say just who that will be, although I can think of two actors recently back in the limelight who may want to submit their headshots.

* Preferably emitting little cartoon sparkles going, quote, "PINGGG."
** Needless to say, these are Air Jordans.
*** Guido.
**** "E pluribus unum!"
***** His real name is Pope Benedict XVI Henderson. He shortened it, like Beyoncé.