Thursday, November 22, 2012

Gracias, tout le monde!: A Snarkompendium of Stuff To Be Thankful For

It's Thanksgiving, which means we, as Americans, should all take a moment today to sit back and reflect on those aspects of our lives that enrich us emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. I speak, of course, of stuffing and candied yams.

No, only kidding, of course. Candied yams are gross. But here are 25 things I personally am thankful for, and if you don't agree with me on every point, then no offense or anything, but you are obviously a cold unfeeling swinish ingrate. Just saying. But either way, I do urge you to add to the list in the comments, or in your own blog / alternate web space. Let's keep the thankfulness going. Here are my top choices:

- The Amtrak Downeaster, which allows many fine hardworking Americans, as well as puppeteers, to commute between Maine and Boston. The high points are friendly, highly competent personnel and large, comfortable seats (I am talking about on the train, not on the friendly personnel). The low point is a seat-pocket magazine called "Arrive" that tells you things such as what Laura Linney is thinking.

- Paper plate-and-crepe paper jellyfish, obviously. See?

- This New Yorker cover cartoon of Paul Ryan reading "Atlas Shrugged" to Mitt Romney for a bedtime story. This cartoon alone validated the entire 2012 election, as far as I am concerned.

- Marzipan.

- The French pronunciation of "Tupperware," which is quite frankly the most wonderful thing in the world. It is so wonderful I will not even attempt to reproduce it for you here. You have to go find a French person and get him to say it. Now.

- Also "Twitter."

- My college, which was responsible for my going to Paris.

- Not currently being in either college or Paris.

- The unerring human capacity to remember a funny moment from a favorite movie or TV show as far, far funnier than it actually was.

- Carmen Sandiego computer games from the '90s, without which I would know approximately nothing.

- Wal-Mart and Target being open four hours earlier for Black Friday, thus allowing us the precious holiday gift of four extra hours in which to trample our fellow man.

- The great American supermarket, without which I would not have written the great American supermarket musical. Or "supermusical" as I prefer.

- Baby wallabies, wombats, and (ESPECIALLY) kangaroos, as follows:

- And while we are on the topic of kangaroos, this puppet, my bedfellow and sometime costar (see below), who earlier this year survived an assassination attempt at the hands of evil demon sugar-shocked children.

- Non-evil-demon, non-sugar-shocked children - who make up 98% of the kid population, at a conservative estimate - and who make up some of the finest audiences I've ever been lucky enough to perform for, and who push me to keep getting better.

- Thrift stores, which enable me to squander my money on WAY quirkier crap than at your average big-box store.

- Tove Jansson's Moomins, whose sweet-natured, free-wheeling ways make me want to learn Swedish, so I can read these wonders in the original. Or else just relocate to Moominvalley.

- The fact that, contrary to some people's beliefs, the world will not actually be ending on December 21, because, true historical fact: the Mayans were goobers.

- The fact that, in the event the world actually does end on December 21, we will not have to see the upcoming Family Circus movie.

- Gumball machines.

- People who have fun creating, because this ability is impossible to "generate," easy to lose due to overthinking, and darn near impossible to summon back (because this would be due to more overthinking).

- The art of giving people and things names other than their own, including but not limited to Ace Hardware, which I have long called - drawing on my innate abilities as a subtle and gifted humorist - Ass Hardware.

- The following words: bifurcation, gerund, stoat, Zumba.

- Also, while we're on the topic of words, the entire Italian language, without which I would laugh significantly less.

- S'mores Pop-Tarts, which will be my undoing.

- Last, but not least, this Thanksgiving meal, courtesy of the Swedish Chef.


The Old Wolf said...

Quelle wonderful liste. Be sure to put all the leftovers in Tupperware.

ZechariahR said...

That's probably the most gruesome, offensive, and hilarious Swedish Chef sketch I've seen yet.

Ron H said...

Det är inte så hårt att lära sig svenska! Lättare än att lära sig franska!

La Professora said...

My favorite word, for which I am very thankful, is 'defenestration'. Feel free to use it when faced with evil demon, sugar-shocked children.