Friday, July 29, 2016

South by Southwest

Recently, I spent a week in San Diego with my father. The flight to San Diego from New York is preceded by approximately 70,293 miles of barren desert. It’s a lot like the Bronx except with fewer discount pharmacies. But fortunately, at the end, you get San Diego. I’m a big fan of San Diego because it features many things we Easterners find novel and refreshing, such as (a) people who genuinely seem not to hate you, (b) the San Diego Zoo, and (c) an anagram generator.

No, wait. Actually, that last one was just something I happened to be playing around with while I was in San Diego. But it was significant nonetheless, not least because although my own name serves up a fairly dreary set of letters, I learned I can rearrange my father’s name to spell “Eyebrow Condom Elk.” This was an important moment for me.

Now back to the zoo, a wonderful place boasting the following features:
  • History
  • Conservation
  • Giraffes who occasionally drink each other’s bodily fluids as they emerge, water-fountain style, causing large groups of gawkers, mostly men, to go “EWWWWWWWWW!” and “HA HA HA!” but mostly “EWWWWWWWWW!”

One sobering element of the zoo is you see many endangered species, such as those who get hunted for bushmeat. Fortunately, one of the zoo’s goals is to breed and repopulate these species. I hope they succeed, since personally, I feel this world could do with more orangutans and less, say, loud humans who make loud sudden noises around zoo animals on purpose. (I don’t know if the bushmeat industry is listening, but if so, take note.)

While we’re on the subject, here are some other

1. Get employed at zoo.
2.     Establish walk-in cheetah exhibit.
3.  When certain patrons prove unfit to be around animals, direct them politely to said exhibit. Sweeten the pot by explaining this is something other people are not getting.

Meanwhile the zoo is celebrating its one-hundredth anniversary, which is very impressive and all, but if they intend to stick it out another hundred years, they’re going to have to “up their game.” That’s why I’ve composed the following helpful


1.     NEW YORK PIGEONS. These pigeons would be considered quite exotic by Californians and other foreigners. Distinguishing traits: Their accents, their complaints about the MTA and their insistence on folding pizza.
2.     CHICKEN-FRIED GREATER TOUCAN. This species has perilously low numbers, on account of I just made it up.
3.     FRIENDLY PARAMECIA. Just go with me on this one.
4.     DALE & EARL, C.P.A’s. Distinguishing traits: Zits.
5.     GAY DOGS. I once encountered a pair of these at Riverside Park, which I will not elaborate on except to say they performed acts on each other that I thought were reserved for behind closed doggie doors. Distinguishing traits: The way their lips curl at your new haircut.

By far the most unsettling animals currently in residence are the semi-dead bugs. There is a whole bucket of them, and they live (approximately speaking) in an aviary at the zoo, where they get eaten by rare birds. The bug motto is, “If you’re going to get eaten by a bird, get eaten by a rare one.” Now when I say “semi-dead,” what I mean is that some of the bugs in the bucket are already dead, whereas others can be seen crawling weakly over the corpses of their friends, presumably checking them for signs of life (“Ed? …Ed? ED!!!!”). It’s great entertainment.

Meanwhile a bird, his species being a bunch of lousy bastards who don’t care about bug friendships, swoops down and devour both Ed and his friend in one gulp. “Yes,” thinks the bird, “these are two of the finer mealy worms I have experienced, as mealy worms go.” Birds’ lives are boring. Fortunately, they’re so pathetic that they don’t even know it. They have no expectations in life whatsoever, as evidenced by the following conversation I transcribed from the aviary:

BIRD 1: What are you gonna do today?
BIRD 2: Eh, fly around and molt. How ‘bout you?
BIRD 1: Hey, what a coincidence! I’m gonna fly around and molt too!
BIRD 2: Hey, COOL!
(They high-five. A momentary beat.)
BIRD 1: So what are you gonna do today?

Also one of the rarer birds pooped on my father. He took it rather in stride. “I feel it is a nice thing,” were his exact words, “to be hit with rare bird poop.” This is bird favoritism at its most blatant, but out of daughterly respect I will gloss over this. After all, we should not forget that his name can be rearranged to spell “Eyebrow Condom Elk” – another species that should obviously be added to the zoo.


The Old Wolf said...

You said nothing about eating at Phil's BBQ, you Quisling. But yeah, the Zoo is spectacular.

DS,LK & F said...

It is my hope that your father regards his experience as "an existential, rare-bird, blessing and creative marinade", and, that he will find himself more desirable, flavorful, and brilliantly creative than he is routinely.

Love & Hugs!

Trump, D. (Mrs)

DS,LK & F said...

Oh! A little ginger with that can have a salubrious effect.

Just sayin'.

Trump, D (Mrs)

Melina Mia said...

I do trust all of the concepts you’ve presented on your post. They’re really convincing and will definitely work. Still, the posts are too brief for newbies. May you please extend them a little from subsequent time?Also, I’ve shared your website in my social networks.
Psoriasis Medicines
Vitiligo Medicines
Ayurvedic Medicine For Immunity

Tamil Guru said...

Thank you very much for sharing information that will be much helpful for making coursework my effective....
AWS Training in Chennai

The Pessimistic Shrink said...

The flight to San Diego from New York is not PRECEDED by approximately 70,293 miles of barren desert. It FEATURES approximately 70,293 miles of barren desert.

DS,LK & F said...

Miss you, dear.

Hope you are well, happy, and realizing your dreams.

It's important

D. Trump (Mrs.)

DS,LK & F said...

Oh, how you have grown.


Leaving behind the ones who cared and moving on to the "Getting the old man's dough">

It's not that we didn't expect it.

Gagana Vaijayati said...

Thanks for the informative article.This is one of the best tips in my life. I have in quite some time.Nicely written and great info.I really cannot thank you enough for sharing.

Herbalife in Chennai
Wellnesscoaches in Chennai
Weight Loss in Chennai
Weight Gain in Chennai

Unknown said...

thanks for posting this blog. its really very helpful for us.

Deer Hunting Tips Camping Trips Guide DEER HUNTING TIPS travel touring tips

Unknown said...

Nice posting..thanks. investasi lahan keluarga di San Diego Hills memorial Park bebas biaya perawatan dan kebersihan selamanya klik
Still Hunting Method
Hunting psych tips Survival Tips Travel Touring Tips

Unknown said...

You need to kill time, you need entertainment. Refer to our website. hope you get the most comfort.
Thanks you for sharing!
travel trekking tips
see the link Tent Camping 101 Exploring Smithriver

Bill the Butcher said...

Both weight loss and weight gain in Chennai?!? Did Jayalalithaaaaaaaa know about this?