BUM (holding out a banana): Hey, ladies. Want a banana?
TWO GIRLS: (briskly keep on walking)
BUM (sympathetically): Yeh. You can't be too careful.
This pretty much vaulted him to the top of my list of Favorite Bums Ever, narrowly edging out the bearded behemoth who once sought out my company at Zabar's by asking me, in a tone of great loin activity, if I were lactose-intolerant. That was the same day I received, unasked, the companionship of an elderly woman in a fur coat roughly the shade of yellow Play-Doh. I don't even want to think about how many Pikachu had to die so she could wear that thing.
And on that note:
THE TOP 10 VERY REAL FEARS YOU WILL FACE IN THE CITY
1. Someone might offer you a banana.
2. Someone might pee on you.
3. Someone might offer you a banana while peeing on you.
4. You might find a giant mutant death bug in your bathroom.
5. The giant mutant death bug might be reading issues of Time Out New York.
6. You might find issues of Time Out New York in your bathroom.
7. Your bathroom might get turned into a Duane Reade. This might even happen while you are engaged in flagrant bathroom activities.*
8. You might set someone's loins a-roilin' by saying you're lactose-intolerant.
9. You might set his loins a-roilin' by saying you're not.
10. "Loins" is funny.
(source: 2009 Zagat survey)
* There is nothing in the city legislature that prohibits this. In fact, it specifically states, "the flagranter, the better."
©2009, Nicola McEldowney
The Snark Ascending