Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Snarkly Three: Special It's Afternoon Already Edition

1. So does he end up with Jughead? Huh? Huh? Does he does he does he?
You'll be pleased to know Archie Comics is introducing its first gay character, thus boldly proving that, in this modern age, persons of any orientation whatsoever can - and will - speak only in sentences ending in exclamation points.

I still remember the one and only time that, as an impressionable youth of 8 or 9, I saw a sentence in an Archie comic that -- get ready now -- ended in a period. True story. I even remember the sentence: it was Veronica saying, quote, "I'm NOT going without my THINGS." The flagrant lack of ! was so shocking that, as you can see, the quote burned itself irrevocably onto my brain -- much more readily than, say, Shakespeare.

2. Somebody please tell me why.
I posted here awhile back about Diesel's "Be Stupid" campaign. Now it seems they're launching a "Faces of Stupid" contest. The winner gets the presidency of the university of his or her choice.

I thought THIS was Diesel:

3. Just for God's sake don't tell anybody
I was given a free coffee the other day at a popular international establishment. (This happened because I was honest about not having been charged.) Now this gave me pause, because such flagrant acts of free coffee-giving are Definitely Not Allowed in -- well, not to name names, but, certain countries in which both this establishment and I both originated. Even if the barista wanted to let you get away with it, the establishment's Corporate Mega-Constabulary would descend from the light fixtures and wrestle your sorry honest consumer ass to the ground and PRY THAT $2.65 STRAIGHT FROM YOUR SORRY HONEST CONSUMER-ASS WALLET BWA HA HA while the Corporate Mega-Constabulary Hounds took bites out of your head.

Whoo! My, heh-heh, it seems I'm a bit more struck than I realized by the fascinating disparities between our two cultures! I should maybe explain, in the interest of full disclosure, that I myself used to be an employee of this establishment, where the rule was that even after all molecules of the establishment were as clean as the average maternity ward, you had to stand there and keep MANICALLY FAKE-CLEANING THEM so as to give the CUSTOMERS, who by the way don't give a RAT'S ASS, the impression that you were KEEPING BUSY, BY GUM. Whereas at this establishment in France, the daily Game Plan seems to be to let the daily crud pile up till closing, because what the hell, it's only going to pile up again tomorrow, right? We at the Snark have total faith that one day, the inevitable will dawn on them: "Hey," they will say to themselves, in French.* "By logical extension, we don't have to clean up this place ... EVER!" And they never will again. Also they will wear only comical underpants to work.

It might not happen tomorrow; it might not happen next week. But we have hope for Corporate France. We think it is just that progressive.

* " 'Ey! Par extension logique, nous ne have to pas clean up cette place ... EVER!"


The Old Wolf said...

Heh heh. Félicitations on the free coffee...

Anonymous said...