Friday, May 22, 2009

The Snarchives 11/11/2008: The Guide to College Admissions, Part 3

Far be it from us to puff up with pride over the old alma mater, but if we do say so ourself, Aarkvard University offers its students that certain something that none of its fellow universities, despite their infinite complexity and richness, can ever hope to boast: Aarkvard merchandise.


But why take our word for it, or even President Ephram M. Cloaca's, when you can have it straight from the Aarkvard University viewbook, that rare specimen - reprinted here in full - where candor is king, information is plentiful, and carbohydrates are 30% less.* Take it away, boys!


Aarkvard University was founded in 1669 or possibly 1996 by Josiah T.W. Aarkvard, noted visionary and dyslexic. He was considered the foremost visionary of his time based primarily on his indeterminate aroma, as well as his vast collection of Hot Wheels and cereal pieces he had dropped on the floor and would not allow anyone to throw away. A virtuoso on the toilet-paper kazoo, Aarkvard received his musical training at the Juilliard School, afterwards meeting with only modest success in his performing endeavors. Ultimately, he would gain greater recognition when he began performing topless, though his moment in the sun would be curtailed upon his tragic death in a nipple accident. Sadly, Josiah's legacy perished with him, though the university was subsequently re-named after his nephew, teen idol Bobby Aarkvard.

Despite his death, Josiah remained frisky in later years, becoming a model forCosmopolitan magazine. Once again his dreams of super-stardom were dashed when he was beaten out for the August-September cover by songstress Mariah Carey, but Josiah was prominently featured in a major article, sharing his views on How to Make Him Moan. Josiah Aarkvard now tours the globe giving inspirational seminars on this same topic. His wife, Betty Aarkvard, was also instrumental in the shaping of the University, donating in its entirety her collection of her personal phlegm.


Aarkvard University features a great stinking deal of architecture, all of which is frankly as boring as your Uncle Bud but blessedly without the housing-market anecdotes. The only potentially non-boring examples of architecture are the erotic gargoyles, and even these are not worth your time, except maybe for the one the student body has nicknamed "Lefty," and this is purely a matter of personal taste.

Also of note is the 16-story Aarkvard Chapel, which, on account of Aarkvard administrators' perpetual hovering between heartily endorsing faith and violently condemning it, is made of Legos to facilitate periodic insta-destructions. The Chapel's apparent "stained-glass windows" are in fact made of colorful construction paper. If you look closely enough, you will see that the renderings of "major religious figures" on the windows are, in fact, jumbo-sized stickers of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Plans are afoot for completion in 2012 of four new dormitories built entirely fromcookie dough, to be constructed by fictional architect Howard Roark from Ayn Rand's book The Fountainhead, but without ever compromising his foremost philosophical principles, namely to strive, above all else, to talk for 2,694 pages straight about hisforemost philosophical principles. Students will be permitted to eat these dorms, but only if it is done for the clear, cold purpose of self-fulfillment.


*No, we don't have to tell you THAN WHAT. In fact, you will never know.

©2008, Nicola McEldowney
The Snark Ascending

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