I got to thinking about our Aarkvard forefathers because I was hoping their legacies would inspire me. The time has come, you see, for me to pick a major. This is a requirement the university imposes on us students in the fervent hope - the sincerest an institution of higher learning can bear the Leaders of Tomorrow - that we will never graduate. This they ensure via the ingenious method of seeing to it that no major can be completed within your current lifetime. I do not wish to engage in groundless paranoia, but I believe I detected traces of this objective in their recent letter to all rising sophomores, which I reprint here verbatim:
AARKVARD DEPT. of ACADEMIC PLANNING
Because Life is a Journey. A Long, Painful Journey.
Hey DORM Face!
So you're interested in FURTHERING YOUR EDUCATION, eh?! Perhaps you would care to SELECT A MAJOR, eh??!! Well, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
Sincerely,
The Dept. of Academic Planning
P.S. Fail fail FAIL YOU DOOMED WAD OF MUCUS.
The institution is deft in its concealment of its inner feelings. It takes a nose like mine to sniff them out.
Lest you take me for a sucker, allow me to assure you that I did not immediately flip open the catalogue of majors and begin reading. No, I first encountered some issues related to holding the catalogue upside-down. It was not my fault. They had a picture of Bobby Aarkvard on the cover and he looks the same upside-down as rightside-up. Only once this error had been righted did I dig in:
Requirements for Undergraduate Majors at Aarkvard
Major: FRENCH
Requirements: Seven years of French at the college level or above.
Major: KOREAN
Requirements: Seven years of French at the college level or above.
Major: BELGIAN
Requirements: Well-toned arms. Interaction with squid between the hours of 3 P.M. (Pacific) and half past 9:20 (Armenian). Advanced age a plus.
Major: MATH
Requirements: Seven years of French, three slain goats (lightly salted), one (1) partridge in a pear tree
Forced as I was to face my lack of life purpose, I took a long hard look at myself, and, taking the bull by the horns in a moment of truth, I went to the mall. I returned some time later having acquired a smoothie*****, only to find that Fate had intervened.
"SO!" roared Fate, who looked like the Brave Li'l Toaster, only less virile. "You think you can ESCAPE FATE, do you? Well, I'll have you know I GOT INTO YOUR ROOM and MESSED UP ALL YOUR STUFF."
I have an uncanny sixth sense about these things, remember. I could tell Fate was bluffing. At least until I got into my room and saw that Fate had messed up all my stuff.
"Ha!" I crowed. "Little did you wot, Fate, that you failed to locate my only true worldly possessions, namely my limited-edition 'Trix' spoon, my poster of Colin Mochrie in his incandescent portrayal of the Snack Fairy****** , and my Starbucks gift card, redeemable for $5.00 worth of Starbucks products, void in Wisconsin and the U.S. Virgin Islands!"
"I don't want your stinking gift card, putrescence," said Fate. "I want your immortal soul. Gimme."
"Well," I said, breathing a sigh of relief. "As long as you don't want my gift card."
So Fate marched me into my advisor's office, where, long story short, I ended up declaring my eternal major of choice: Road Atlas Theory. RAT is all the rage here at Aarkvard. We students have only one text, namely Rand McNally's USA-Canada-Mexico Travel Guide (1995 Edition), notable for its myriad (4) features:
1. The USA.
2. Canada.
3. Mexico.
4. A spiffy ad for Choice Hotels International, featuring popular country star Glen Campbell appearing to pop out of a suitcase.
Any given lesson comprises analysis of an individual "plate," such as 53-B (Uvula, Montana). Such scrutiny necessarily raises troubling questions, all of which we must ask ourselves if we are to do our part as Concerned and Incisive Scholars:
- Does this suggest that there is such a place as "Montana"?
- Can I have an A?
- Is Glen Campbell really popular? Explain.
For an everlasting curse, it's not so bad. True, it may not bring to mind conventional academia, but I'm earning credits, by gum!!! Without even having to think!!! No American college student can aspire to loftier heights, as dictated by the U.S. Constitution, Section VI, Article III, Section D, Lot B, next to Sears, which expressly states:
WHATEVER MS. McELDOWNEY JUST SAID. SHE CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO KEEP TRACK.
Which is to say, my affiliation with RAT has singlehandedly restored my faith in the American system of university education, which is there for you through thick and thin, striving to ensure that you never do anything which you might find remotely personally satisfying. This is how Aarkvard prepares its students for the Real World. I have every faith they are doing a bang-up job.
For my part, I got away with my Starbucks card. That is really all I care about, but let's don't let this get around. For an utmost concern, it's not awfully academic. So let the record state that I said the bottom line is that, a mere 6,073 credits from now, I will know every facet of the hemisociogynecological impact of the Tappan Zee Bridge (plate 6-H) on society, and that I am right on track to graduate from Aarkvard University. In the year 2023.
*"We Cut You Scum Since 1986."
**This combination, if purchased with a Large Fries, is known as a "No. 3."
***Literally, "Hee! Erection."
****Crushing several small furry animals and a Hot Wheel.
*****It turns out this is among the requirements for the Biology major.
******Really. I have one. It's an ad I ripped out of Cosmo. It's great.
©2008, Nicola McEldowney
The Snark Ascending
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