There's a lot to be said for university education. It's fat-free, for one, and usually treatable with a liberal dab of Desitin. Nonetheless, flaws abound in the methods whereby its purveyors (universities) serve it up*. These flaws are many and varied, in the sense that there are many of them, and they vary from each other. I shall not attempt to list all of them here, on account of I have not a) come up with them, nor do I b) feel like it. But one flaw stands head and shoulders** above the rest:
~~~FLAW No. 1: The purveyor of university education is not ME.~~~
This, friends, is a fatal flaw, in the sense that it really pisses me off. Thus have I undertaken - in light of these past weeks' spate of what Aarkvard University calls "Final Exams" - a highly posh Latin term meaning "something Aarkvard University calls 'Final Exams'" - to prepare, just for you***, my own final exam. Here comes your chance to prove your extensive knowledge of whatever it is I feel like making up questions about; or, in lieu of that, to eat something****. On your marks - get set - one desk between each of you; no sneaky peeking, now! - and:
1. Is it? If not, what is? Explain.
C. Billings, Montana.
2. As of this writing, what sound are the video-gamers in the common room adjacent me currently making, in distress over their spaceships' failure to do whatever it is spaceships do?
C. Billings, Montana.
3. In Euripides' Moby-Dick, which character first makes use of the rhetorical device commonly known as a "chiasmus" or "besciamelle"?
C. Mr. Bouncy.
D. I will thank you not to miscredit the work of Ayn Rand.
E. How about those Knicks?
4. True or false: What kind of name is "Ayn"?
5. In Hamlet, Act IV, Scene VII, Line ZZB, Suite 3, what is the underlying meaning in Shakespeare's repeated use of asyndeton?
B. Beats me.
C. I said, I don't know.
D. I'll give YOU underlying meaning.
6. In the made-up language known as "Russian," the letter they claim is "P" is in fact:
C. Highly suspicious.
7. True or false: In preparing this test, the author made no effort whatsoever to devise legitimate questions. Instead she went to the mall.
A. No comment.
B. I plead the fifth.
C. Wouldn't you like to know.
D. False. She also ate Chinese food.
8. What kind of test is this, anyway?
B. Chinese Crested.
C. Deep Dish.
10. What happened to No. 9?
Time! Turn in your answer sheets. Highest scorer gets a Jolly Rancher, or possibly not.
*These methods being: Con Carne, Double Glazed, or With Diet Sprite.
**Disclaimer: Flaw May In Fact Have Neither Head Nor Shoulders.
***Disclaimer #2: Preparation May Not Have Been Just For You.
****Experts recommend Option 2.
©2007, Nicola McEldowney
The Snark Ascending