Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Snarchives 1/4/2009: The Guide to College Admissions, Part 4

Because of the enormity* of the Aarkvard campus, transportation used to take place primarily by bus; however, due to budget cuts effected in the name of purchasing more Butter Rum foot balm for President Ephram M. Cloaca, the bus system was ultimately abolished. The standard means of campus transport nowadays is the U.S. Postal Service. The alternative means is stoat, though stoat transport is not recommended except for the extremely wealthy, seeing as a one-way stoat ride costs $12.95, going up to $15.95 if you qualify as "husky". However, if you are intent on this form of transportation, you can obtain a Frequent Stoat Ride Card, the result of the recent Stoat Ride Initiative for the Lower and Middle-Income by Provost Wayne L. "Butch" Edema, whereby, after paying full price for ten rides, you may take your eleventh ride, also for full price, on a slightly bigger stoat.

Aarkvard University is located in the town of Plantar, which is wretched and disgusting and features a Build-A-Bear. Federal law requires that you wash your hands after visiting Plantar, and highly recommends that, as a precautionary measure, you also burn them. The Plantar Repertory Theatre regularly features toe-tapping entertainment.

Aarkvard University is home to the world-renowned Phineas J. and Ernestine T. Sputum Museum of Art (affectionately known as “The Sputum”), famed for its exhibits of highly artistic works that appear, to the naked Philistine eye, to be a wadded-up used Taco Bell napkin, but which, upon close and sensitive examination, actually turn out to be: a wadded-up used Taco Bell napkin**. The Sputum's latest exhibit showcases art from the ancient Mayan ruins***, featuring ancient Mayan Taco Bell napkins.

Additionally, Aarkvard is home to a dynamic pair of summer arts festivals: the Celebration of the Banjo, where banjo-lovers the world over come together in celebration of their favorite instrument****, listen to some recordings, then realize it wasn’t the banjo they liked at all; and the Interpretive Knee Bend Festival, in which renowned knee-bend artists gather onstage to convey, via the art of the knee bend, such universal concepts as “hope,” “fear,” “I am bending my knees,” and “Why are we all named Maya?”

Other examples of the arts at Aarkvard include dry macaroni and glitter.

Aarkvard University proudly boasts a Department of Student Affairs, a Department of Current Affairs, a Department of County Fairs; a Department of Our State Fair is a Great State Fair, Don’t Miss It, Don’t Even Be Late; and a Department of Grievances Regarding Foreign Objects Found Deposited in Dormitory Bathtubs (formally known as “The Eww Department”). The newest addition to Aarkvard’s departmental roster is the Perfume Department, where pert middle-aged ladies named “Joanne” will douse you forcibly in substances with names like Elizabeth Arden’s Necrosis, and if you fail to buy a $175 bottle the size of your navel, you will never be allowed to graduate, plus you will take multiple squirts to the eyeball before you ever know what hit you. The Joannes are very experienced shots.

There is at present no Math Department, though Aarkvard administrators advise they are “working on it.”

Aarkvard University has a number of sports teams, all called the Aarkvard Gerunds, for the highly significant reason that "gerund" makes us giggle. Among the sports represented are mini-golf, shoelace-tying, knuckle-cracking (men's and women's), x-treme upholstering, and, of course, stoat-racing. Aarkvard's pride and joy, however, is its Division I scratching team, which in 1991 was featured on ESPN, though regrettably its moment in the limelight was cut short when the lone viewer, Mr. Myron L. Fwupp of Winnetka, Illinois, changed the channel to the Game Show Network.

The team mascot is a large furry gerund.

The Aarkvard University library system can perhaps best be summed up in the words of university president Ephram M. Cloaca, who in 2006 stated, "What? We have libraries?" President Cloaca took swift and decisive action by launching a Library Initiative, to the effect that, one day, some of these libraries will feature books. At present, of Aarkvard's six libraries, one is empty except for wads of gum dating back to the go-go era*****, one houses President Cloaca's extensive collection of hair ornaments, and the remaining four contain only back issues of Highlights magazine.******

In addition to its arts and athletics, Aarkvard offers a vast array of opportunities for social involvement, some of which do not even leave a funky aftertaste. Aspiring journalists will flock to the redoubtable campus newspaper, the Aarkvard Suppository; for the budding politician, there is the Aarkvard Student Society for the Governance of Aarkvard Students (ASSGAS), which offers Aarkvard's leaders-in-the-making, its fledgling effectors of global change, the opportunity to achieve their highest objective as society's Torchbearers of Tomorrow: to have meetings. Recent examples of change effected by ASSGAS include a unanimous vote to remove the longstanding headquarters houseplant. "It wasn't a team player," explained one government representative.

There are a whole bunch of other fascinating and diverse student groups that nobody gives a flying fuck about except for one guy named Marlow who is a member of all of them and always wears a dress.

Knock yourself out.

The incumbent Aarkvard president is Ephram Montahue Cloaca, who came to university attention when he was discovered on a nearby street corner, exposing his shin to schoolchildren, and was summarily brought in on suspicion of being a visionary. President Cloaca has fulfilled his promise ever since, never failing, in times of crisis, to make an affable face and sometimes chew on a chew toy.

In something of a twist on the "traditional" college administration hierarchy, President Cloaca is seconded by two "assistant presidents," Nick "Baddabing" Baddaboom and Sidney "Sid the Grinder" Portoletti, who assist in administrative matters and can frequently be seen around campus with friendly smiles and large plastic sacks of lumpy administrative documents.

There is also a team of admissions officers, who are technically members of the stoat family, but whom we understand do a bang-up job.


Comprehensive though the Aarkvard viewbook may appear, it has not escaped our notice that it ignores one of the more important aspects, nay, the paramount facet of university life. Thus we present it for you here, gratis********, as an Added Bonus:

Aarkvard University is located just miles from sparkling clean restrooms. These are located at the home of Earl and Louise Pilsner, of 164 Rubella Road in Plantar. The kitchen window is always slightly ajar.


*This is an academic word. Example of usage: "There is a bifurcation on your enormity." Example of continued usage: "AAAGGGHHHH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

**Scoff if you must. Historians have authenticated this as a relic from Picasso's little-known Chalupa Period.

***This was an ancient civilization during which everyone was named Maya, even the men, so don't think for a moment that its ending in ruins was a coincidence. Fortunately, the Mayans were able to rebuild from the ashes and soar again to prosperity upon rebranding themselves as "The Aztecs," under which name they enjoyed 17 gold records.

****The banjo.

*****This occurred during the Mayan civilization.

******Including the controversial Feb. 1996 issue in which Goofus and Gallant finally kiss.

*******Latin, meaning "dweeb."

©2008-09, Nicola McEldowney
The Snark Ascending

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