1. The rumors are true.
2. Seeing as there are no rumors, I thought it meet to begin with a touch of mystique.
These rumors (which, I may freely admit without fear of their existence, are true) concern my having departed one university for another. This is a juncture to which none of us wishes to come, but we must nonetheless acknowledge the very real possibility that one day we will return from the store* only to find our university floating upside-down at the top of the bowl. We must all be prepared for this day. Luckily for those of us whom this tragic event impacts personally, it turns out that 76 per cent of universities are Certified Safe To Flush.**
Having utilized this method in my particular case,*** my next step was to select an alternative university. This part is relatively simple. A mere trip to your local Rite-Aid**** will yield a 5-Pak. These are typically located between the catsup selection and whatever Lifetime Channel Movie of the Week is currently on sale for $3.99, such as “Mommy, Why Does Daddy Mate With Animals?: The Mary Kate Porelicker Story.”*****
The hard part of the university transfer process, as you may have already guessed, is disentangling oneself from one’s current institution of higher learning. I do not wish to name names, but there is a strong possibility that they rhyme with “Maarkvard,” and that in order to discontinue association with them, one is required to follow a set of instructions that begins with some pleasant and non-threatening directive such as this (per aarkvard.edu/academics/hahasucker.html):
How to Withdraw from Aarkvard University
Step 1. Please submit your letter of intent to withdraw to the Dean’s Office.
Which turns out to be the prelude to this:
Step 2. NOW BRING US THE HEART OF THE NORTHERN DISTAL AVUNCULAR STOAT OF PATAGONIA! HA HA HA!
It so happens that locating this article is no picnic. (The nearest five Rite-Aids yielded zilch.) But it is at such trying times that we must turn to the old adage that goes, “When there’s a will, you can forge something from Play-Doh.” Never were truer words spoken. Suffice it to say that the heart of the desired stoat has been submitted to Aarkvard, and that so far, I have heard no complaints. University President Ephram M. Cloaca is even quoted, in the current issue of Aarkvard magazine, as saying, “The very presence of this heart has enhanced my visionary powers. For example, just now I looked out the window and visioned a squirrel.”
So it seems life at Aarkvard will go on without me, and while it was in many respects a bittersweet experience leaving my projected alma mater for another, I am fortified by the knowledge that some of my nearest and dearest Aarkvardians will have occasion to be in Boston, the closest U.S. point to Maine (distance: 15,000 miles), and that I have made the healthiest decision for me. On that note I close, till next week, by saying that I can only wish for the rest of you that you are able to do so well by yourselves. May you always follow your gut, because the only alternative is to let your gut follow you, and then you will be walking backwards and will probably crash into things. May you have courage. May you always be true to yourself, even in your darkest hour. May your university be flushable.
P.S. It may have occurred to you to wonder where I have committed to go instead. An excellent question. I plan to make it the subject of a readers’-choice poll, coming shortly.
*Speaking of which, I’m working there again, thereby stimulating my comedy gland to release unlimited endorphins. In other words, more on that soon.
**Source: Consumer Reports.
***And for those of you who happen to live in my house and be gifted in such spheres, the toilet needs to be plunged.
****Not your local Rite-Aid. Egomaniac.
*****In the end, she (SPOILER) learns to love.
©2008, Nicola McEldowney
The Snark Ascending